Singapore Grand Prix – Qualifying

Singapore. A dizzying blur of cars. Just keep drinking.

What is that saying? Its not so much the despair that kills you but the hope. Its often quoted by the husband, the original doomlord. I just googled to see where that quote came from and it was John Cleese in the sublime movie, Clockwise. That is so the husband. I love it.

"Its not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. Its the hope I can't stand" - Brian Stimpson in Clockwise

Well we should be a-o-kay in Singapore as I have literally ZERO expectation that we will have any form of excitement or drama. And if another former driver/pundit tells me that Singapore is a stunning track and race weekends are freaking awesome I will set my bees’ nest on them. Yes we have an actual bees’ nest in our recently moved into house which is a pleasant discovery given I hate bees and I hate honey.

So expect lots of endless, over the top hype about how exciting and thrilling night-time races are…what an electric atmosphere there is at the track…yadda yadda. I suspect one of the reasons the atmosphere is so good is that the uber rich locals, dignatories and expats who go along have been quaffing magnums of Bolly all day (waves to Roger!) and might be more excited about seeing the Killers gig than Vettel screeching off into the distance never to be seen again by the first corner. I wouldn’t say no to a Singapore GP jolly (obviously) but watching it on TV is Unadulterated Dullsville.

The Killers are performing at this year's Singapore GP. Last year it was Justin Bieber. The horror.

The build-up on Sky was ahem a little on the dry side but the husband sat enraptured during the ‘new engines for next year’ feature.  If you’re really lucky, I’ll ask him to guest-blog over the winter with his memories of turbos first time round. Actually he has just corrected me to say he doesn’t remember turbos first round because that was in the 1930s. Insert joke here.

All hail the return of turbos. The engines like that to explode!

So what happened in Q1?

With the clock ticking down to 3 seconds, Perez had yet to set a time. The husband helpfully told me that Keke had gone fastest. Bless. Under a minute to go and Hamilton, Button, Alonso were 1-2-3 and Massa was in the Dropzone of Doom.

And Giedo van der Garde hit the wall. For the second time this weekend. Aiming for a hat-trick on race day perhaps?

Massa at the death squeaked into Q2 so OUT of qualifying went Di Resta, Maldonado, Pic, van der Garde, Bianchi and Chilton.

So Di Resta has gone out of Q1 for the 5^th time in the last 8 races. Future Ferrari driver? Nah. There was a huge post-mortem into Di Resta’s collapse in form with Damon saying loyally “there’s always the race”. Er I doubt it, not on a street circuit where there is squat diddly chance of overtaking unless you’re blessed with a Senna-esque ability to find margins on tracks that elude others. To point out the bloody obvious, this would not include Di Resta. Ah we have a Di Resta interview. Shall we have a sweepstake who he will blame? My money is on the team (excluding his good self). The husband thinks he will do a mea culpa and take the blame himself. Hahaha. Ah gold star for me – it is of course the team’s fault – he admitted he was struggling a bit more over one lap compared to Sutil, his team-mate, but his long runs are “in a completely different league”. Er that would be League Two at best, Paul. Humble and team-player would not be words synonymous with Paul Di Resta or indeed likable.

Kimi apparently has a bad back. Make of that what you will. Eric Bouillier was interviewed and sounded like a broken man. I’m sure he’s a lovely chap but he doesn’t really cut it for me as a team principal.

Eric Bouillier. Can't think of a single witty comment.

Meanwhile the husband is busy distracting me with an endless stream of apparently dramatic football results. Various teams managed by Alan Pardew or formerly managed by Alan Pardew have lost. Also Chelsea are failing to win again. Edit: To spite me Chelsea of course won 2-0 but hey losing to Basle at home. How we laughed. The Return of the Special One isn’t looking so special. Never go back they say. <Remembers Kimi is going to Ferrari next year> Bugger.

The Second Coming: do they work? Discuss.

Just remembered that Q2 was well underway. Ooops. The Mercedes topped the timesheets, only because the Red Bulls hadn’t deigned to make an appearance yet but not for long as they exited the pits. In the blink of an eye, normal service was resumed with Vettel and Webber taking 1-2. For reasons best known to McLaren, Button and Perez left it very late to come out and set a time. Kimi just missed out (again – dear oh dear) on Q3. And Button just scraped into the top ten as Ron Dennis menacingly watched proceedings at trackside. No one does menacing quite like Uncle Ron.

Dumped out of Q2 were: 11. Hulkenberg 12. Vergne 13. Raikkonen 14. Perez 15. Sutil 16. Bottas.

And so to the Hedonistic Extravaganza of the Top Ten Shoot Out. Apologies, I am in a right sarky mood today. The initial top 5 times were set by Vettel, Rosberg, Webber, Hamilton and Grosjean. So where were Ferrari? It appeared we had the usual Q3 shite of drivers just doing outlaps and conserving tyres for tomorrow’s race. I don’t blame the teams for trying to extract every possible advantage that they’re legitimately able to but this format is utterly crud especially for the fans and spectators except for those who already are seeing the cars double through their champagne goggles and good luck to them!

Is this possibly The Most Boring Qualifying Ever? Remember when Senna, Prost and Mansell would screech out of the pits with a minute to go and it would be all-out war on the track to see who could snatch pole (usually Senna). Nico split the Red Bulls to take second, Hamilton could only get 5^th and Grosjean took 3^rd which was in all fairness a superb achievement.

So (weariest of weary sighs), Vettel is on pole. Again. Brundle ruefully remarked he could be world champion one day. The husband quipped “what like tomorrow”. Its not funny.

The grid for tomorrow:

1. Vettel


2. Rosberg


3. Grosjean


4. Webber


5. Hamilton


6. Massa


7. Alonso


8. Button


9. Ricciardo


10. Gutierrez

I can barely wait*. But hey the track is visually stunning so that’s all good. Well you never know, Grosjean is third so anything could happen. Right off to find out what the husband will be making tomorrow to entertain my blogging audience! Either that or I’ll blog about Clockwise.

*this is a lie

Singapore. Show us what you got.

Kimi: Return of the Prodigal Son?

Team Scuderia 2014

You know what they say – never go back. Still Kimi Raikkonen isn’t the kind of guy who would give a stuff what anyone else thinks. And so last Wednesday, Ferrari confirmed the worst kept secret in F1, they are bringing Raikkonen back to Maranello next season to partner Fernando Alonso.

Lets cast our minds back to Kimi’s Ferrari Years Part 1, 2007-2009. Two years after winning the drivers’ world title in 2007, Ferrari paid off Kimi to leave the team one year early to bring in their next big star, one Fernando Alonso. Its safe to say Kimi might have a point to prove next year.

Kimi tasting glory at Ferrari first time round.

Luca di Montezemolo in one of his gnomic pronounciations earlier in the year said he didn’t want to have two roosters in the same hen house when musing upon the possibility of Vettel joining Alonso at Ferrari. While Kimi may have a couple less titles to his name, he is nonetheless a member of that inner sanctum of still-racing former F1 world champions. So di Montezemolo has had a volte-face of fairly epic proportions but hey there’s nothing like not winning a world title for 5 years (and counting...) to focus the mind.

Can you have too many roosters in a hen house?

The Alonso-Massa pairing has followed the tried and tested Ferrari model of supremely dominant number one driver (see Schumacher) with all-round nice guy compliant number two driver who generally hails from Brazil (see Barrichello). Possibly because the current Ferrari line-up has yielded a Big Fat Zero Championships, the suits at Maranello have decreed that its time to move to a different approach. They will be hoping that Raikkonen’s greater natural talent and competitiveness will bring out the best in both drivers. See Prost and Senna at McLaren, 1988.

Two roosters. 15 out of 16 race wins. Not bad.

The one obvious flaw in their master-plan is that Vettel will (and I may be doing Daniel Ricciardo a great disservice) have a fairly lightweight and just-thankful-to-be-there team mate who I suspect will not provide the sternest of tests to Vettel on race day. So there is the huge risk that while Alonso and Kimi fight like tigers on track and split points between themselves, Vettel will in fact do what is known in the trade as ‘a Raikkonen’. Kimi won the title in 2007 partly because McLaren imploded after months of psychological warfare between their drivers (Alonso and then F1 rookie, Lewis Hamilton), partly because Kimi had the benefit of a helpful team-mate in Massa and partly because he is an audaciously talented driver (who actually won more races than Alonso and Hamilton in 2007).

Lewis and Fernando. A match made in hell.

One must spare a thought for Lotus who are losing their marquee signing in Raikkonen. They posted a tweet commenting on Kimi’s move to Ferrari saying “it hurts a little bit” with a picture of two mating rabbits. Next up for the Singapore GP, they have chosen #EveryoneHurts as the trending hashtag. I might have made that last bit up. Will this be the end of Mini Kimi? I was very fond of Mini Kimi and although I love the irreverant and interactive nature of the Lotus twitter feed, just occasionally (whisper it quietly) it came across that they ever so slightly hero-worshipped Kimi. Yep it probably really does hurt.

Will Mini Kimi get some new red overalls next season?

And what does Fernando Alonso make of it all? The last time he raced with a team-mate on an equal footing there was all-out civil war. As Ron Dennis (then team principal of McLaren) remarked at the time “we weren’t racing Kimi, we were basically racing Fernando”. Admittedly that was a long time ago but notably since then Alonso hasn’t won any more titles and aged 32 he knows that time is probably beginning to run out. It will be hard to relinquish out-and-out numero uno status at a team after so many years. Most tellingly it has been rumoured that Alonso is very unhappy about the decision. Throw into the mix the turbulent relations between Alonso and Ferrari this season after his open criticism of the car a few races back and it’s a pretty combustible mix of ingredients.

2014 is a make or break season for Alonso at Ferrari

Michael Schumacher has predicted fireworks at Ferrari next season and he is uniquely placed to comment on Ferrari. Indeed we will be saturated with fire and ice references until our eyes bleed. It may well all end in tears but one thing is for sure, having Kimi back in the saddle of the prancing horse will not be dull.

In so many ways, Kimi was born to drive for Ferrari

Italian Grand Prix – The Race

The Monza podium (there may have been some boos!)

Okay I admit it, the thought of reliving last Sunday’s Dull-O-Rama race at Monza hasn’t spurred me into finishing my blog. But the Catholic guilt gnawing away at me coupled with being unexpectedly home alone on a Sunday evening has finally forced my hand.

So here is the story of the Italian Grand Prix…and slightly incongrously it is in live-blogging style (pretty much as I watched the race unfold) because I really don’t have the energy to rewrite it all now.

Well I fear the highlight of the 2013 Italian Grand Prix could well be Damon Hill and Johnny Herbert cruising around on a scooter. What a STUPENDOUS trip down memory lane. Quietly sobs for the old days in yet another sign of my advancing years.

A trip down memory lane as inspired by Damon and Johnny

BUT WAIT. WHAT IS THIS? People are holding umbrellas. Maybe just maybe the fabled Spa weather decided to save itself for Italy instead. You never know it is just possible that Anyone But Vettel might have an outside chance of winning this race. Of course having written that now, we are doomed to the inevitable crushing Vettel win. The husband appears to think so as he has decided while watching the race to help the 6 year old make a wooden submarine which appears to have several thousand parts. Photo to follow. Or possibly a visit to A&E given the accident-prone husband is picking at bits of wood with a knife.

#MartinsGridWalk. Please, please find Rowan Atkinson on the grid.

Why no interview with Mr Bean? The 6 year old was disconsolate.

First up to be Brundled is Paul Hembury: Some of the circuit is wet but it is drying quickly. Can’t predict the changeover point between inters, slicks and wets. Could be a very interesting opening few laps.

Next up its Gary someone. They had a chat about the white line situation. Its okay to leave the track but not to gain an advantage. Turns out Gary is the chief steward. I’ll place a bet now that not all the drivers will listen to Gary. Looks long and hard at Grosjean and Maldonado.

Nico Hulkenberg told us the track was pretty much dry and slicks would be fine. Brundle thinks Nico would be a good option for Ferrari to consider. Is that a hint or just an opinion?

Edit: Probably just an opinion as Ferrari have announced that KIMI is partnering Alonso next year. When I told the 6 year old he said “you are lying”. Yet to determine whether he thinks this is a good or bad thing. I shall report back.

Its Jean Todt, the cuddly modern day Richelieu. He doesn’t mind that he has a challenger to the FIA presidency. Yeh right. He really enjoys being president as he likes the idea of power giving something back. Yeh right.

He might look cuddly but mess with Jean Todt at your peril.

Oh a Royal Random Celebrity at a Race. Its Zara Phillips with Jackie Stewart. Zara will do well to get a word in edgeways there. Zara would like Mark Webber to win. Wrong answer love given who you are standing next to.

Time For the Start and Go Go Go...! Webber had a highly un-Webber like good start but still just got squeezed out by Massa. Meanwhile Di Resta retired almost instantly after locking up and crashing into Sutil/Grosjean. Taxi for Paul.

Kimi pitted at the end of the first lap. Boo. And some incredible live in-car footage of Alonso taking Webber on the outside. Imagined thought process of Mark Webber ‘defend, defend…oh its Fernando…come on through and hunt that bastard down’. Meanwhile Rob Smedley was telling Massa over the radio to concentrate on his race. Presumably until Alonso appears in his mirrors and then its business as usual.

Rob Smedley might be moving to Williams next year.

Oh and Alonso easily overtook Massa in the least surprising development in Formula 1 since Alonso easily overtook Massa in some other races. Team radio to Vettel – they are monitoring the ‘right front’ at all times and they know it is not good. Oooooh this race might have just got interesting. Ish.

The stewards are investigating a collision between Di Resta and Grosjean after the race. Paul admitted it was his fault to be fair so that looks like a slam-dunk penalty. Its all gone a bit Pete Tong for Di Resta in the last few races. Lewis has been told to pit due to a slow puncture. But bizarrely he is not pitting – could be that his radio is still playing up as it was earlier in the race but anyway time for an old-style pitboard to haul Lewis into the pits.

Submarine latest: The wooden submarine is progressing nicely, mainly because the husband has taken over as the 6 year old has left the room.

Jean-Eric Vergne has STOPPED. Engine failure. Raikkonen from last is now running in 16^th place. Not that the race was moderately dull (much) but Brundle had a lengthy monologue on what Alonso could do to win without driving a car designed by Adrian Newey. This is presumably what Alonso has been asking himself on a daily basis.

Adrian Newey at rest.

Good news for Vettel fans – the tyre has sorted itself out and they are in the one-stop window. Oh that is good news. Shoots myself.

Lots of pitstops. No more rain. Its fair to say the race now entered a Boring Phase.

Submarine latest: It is almost finished and the husband has not severed a finger yet. Amazeballs. God I’m really sorry for using that word.

Vettel told to pit. Say the usual novenas for a myriad of Potential Pit Incidents to strike Red Bull. As usual a flawless pitstop that sees Vettel emerge back on track ahead of Kimi. So Alonso leads the race but without having pitted. At the top order at the half-way point was:

1. Alonso


2. Vettel


3. Gutierrez


4. Webber


5. Massa


6. Raikkonen

Lap 28 and Alonso pits. Sure enough he rejoins in 2^nd place as filler in the Red Bull sandwich.

Submarine update: There has been a hitch of some description and the husband has started to swear.

Hamilton and Hulkenberg are having a great dog-eat-dog battle that won’t at all chow Lewis’s tyres and mess up his race. Ahem. Anyhow he’s now up to 5^th but will probably have to stop again. Interview with Martin Whitmarsh who sounded suicidal then I might have accidentally pressed the fast-forward button. Hamilton pits again on lap 39 after yet again doing the fastest lap of the race. I hope someone is keeping a close eye on Martin Whitmarsh.

Submarine update: It is now finished. Ha! Now the husband will be forced to watch the race after all. No apparently not. He is too busy photographing his prized creation which the 2 year old will probably tread on and break tomorrow.

The submarine lovingly crafted by the husband. There are 20 odd pictures that need hanging in our new house but hey we have one of these.

Alonso and Webber are battling hard for second place. Crofty tells us there is no battle for the lead. Like anyone would be stupid enough to expect that. But we hear there is continuing gearbox trouble for Red Bull. Crofty spontaneously combusts as Hamilton overtakes Sutil for 12^th place. They tell us the race isn’t over by any stretch and Brundle appeals forlornly for the boys to give us a race. Has Vettel won yet do we know? We haven’t seen him for about 2 hours.

I estimate that Crofty spontaneously combusts at least 5 times a race.

Despite the fact that Webber’s gearbox isn’t even working properly he is still reeling in Alonso. This is what you are up against when you do not drive an Adrian Newey designed car.

Lap 49 and Hamilton takes Kimi for 11^th. That was actually a bit more exciting than it sounded. Next to gobble up for Lewis was Perez and then Button. And all of a sudden it’s the final lap. Thank the Lord.

And so it came to pass as we all knew it would. Sebastian Vettel wins the Italian Grand Prix. Adrian Newey is crying tears of happiness. Lots of man hugs all round between Adrian and Sebastian.

Here are the results from the Italian Grand Prix 2013:

1. Vettel – Just light years ahead of anyone else in his untouchable Red Bull. Again.


2. Alonso – The best anyone can hope for these days seemingly is to finish 2^nd.


3. Webber – His first podium at Monza. A nice way to bow out in Italy.


4. Massa – A good outing in front of the Tifosi and who knows where he would have finished but for the inevitable team orders.


5. Hulkenberg – A very creditable and mature drive. Did anyone else find it odd that Vettel was surprised the Hulk finished 5^th.

And so the current driver standings are Vettel with 222 points and Alonso with 169 points. Bets please at which race Vettel will win the world championship? I say Suzuka. You could be forgiven for forgetting we still have SEVEN races to go.

Singapore. Will Anyone But Vettel triumph?

Italian Grand Prix - Qualifying

Monza. The Temple of Speed.

A magnificent track that is so deeply embedded in the history of Formula 1 since its very inception in 1950, it must forever stay on the F1 calendar. All the drivers want to win at Monza. Granted the modern circuit has lost the sweeping high banking that made for such breaktaking racing at Italian GPs of old but the long straights, high-speed corners and pure raw speed we see at Monza are unparalleled anywhere else in F1.

But first something wonderful. An interview with the great Michael Schumacher on BBC before qualifying. I have slated BBC in the past for their constant digs and sniping at Schumacher over the years (although in all fairness most of this came from the not knowingly bitter David Coulthard in the commentary box) but enormous kudos to them for remembering that Schumacher still exists. Interestingly they timed the interview to air before Monza, adopted home of the Tifosi. To remember Michael properly is to remember him in a blaze of red sweeping to victory. I am FOREVER privileged to have seen Schumacher win in Monaco.

Michael. The Greatest.

A whole host of celebrities and former drivers are in town. Rowan Atkinson, Zara Phillips, Jean Alesi (literally he has not aged a day since he was driving in F1) and Gerhard Berger. Well that gives Brundle much more to work with for the hallowed Gridwalk than trying to interview a random Marussia mechanic!

Gerhard and Ayrton, a different era.

And no pressure much for Ferrari this weekend. Their season has pretty much imploded, grandstands packed to the rafters of fanatical, crazed Tifosi and the very visible presence of the Boss From Hell, Luca di Montezemolo. Maybe I’m being harsh and knives do in fact work well as a motivational tool. Still a BIG weekend for Fernando Alonso before all those boring races in the Far East that Vettel always seems to tediously win.

So without further ago, lets crack on with the events of qualifying.

Q1 – In a nutshell (apologies for the brevity but most of Q1 was spent supervising the 2 year’s potty training which in many respects might shade Q1 for entertainment).

OUT went 17) Gutierrez 18) Bottas 19) Van der Garde 20) Pic 21) Bianchi 22) Chilton and INTO Q2 went everyone else.

Q2 – Squeaky Bum Time time for Button, Hamilton, Grosjean and Hamilton both languishing in the dropzone of doom with seconds to go. And in a massive shock or twist or whatever, out of the top ten shoot-out were BOTH Lotuses and Lewis Hamilton. Un-frigging-believable. Either the Lotus is not handling well at Monza or both Kimi and Grosjean had shockers. Endless Sky forensic analysis indicated that Hamilton was blocked by Sutil. But he had also made a mistake on an earlier lap running wide at the Parabolica so not all the blame can be shovelled at Sutil’s door. And in all fairness, Lewis was blaming himself first and foremost.

Lewis Hamilton in pensive mood.

So OUT after Q2 were 11) Raikkonen 12) Hamilton 13) Grosjean 14) Sutil 15) Maldonado 16) Di Resta.

Not too surprisingly Hamilton was a dark, brooding place when interviewed afterwards. “I just drove like an idiot. That's the worst I've driven for a long, long time. I'm sorry to the team.” Someone please give Lewis a hug.

Lauda looked similarly broken in the Mercedes garage. Cheer up, Niki, not many F1 drivers have had their career so brilliantly portrayed on the silver screen as currently is the case in Ron Howard’s epic film, Rush. I am BEYOND excited at seeing this film. Six days to go until its release. It’s a movie about Formula 1. Set in the 1970s. Specifically 1976, one of the most astonishing and dramatic seasons ever in F1. James Hunt played by Chris Hemsworth (so on The List), the ridiculously talented Daniel Brühl as Niki Lauda. What is there not to love?

Rush: the movie I have been waiting for all year!

Q3 – Vettel, Webber, Alonso, Ricciardo, Massa and Rosberg were the only six to set a time with one minute to go. Ferrari’s cunning idea was to give Alonso every possible advantage in qualifying at their home grand prix was to position him in Massa’s slipstream and use the extra tow on the long straights to buy those crucial extra nano-tenths of seconds. Not only did Massa not play ball but to add insult to grievous injury he had the temerity to out qualify Alonso. People have swung for less. Alonso yelled over the radio at his team “Massa is too far away” and depending on your interpretation he followed that up with “you’re really idiots…Mamma Mia guys”. According to the Ferrari press office instruction to Alonso he simply sarcastically called them ‘geniuses’. Perhaps something was lost in translation or the s h i t is really hitting the fan at Maranello these days.

Anyhoo, clearly Felipe did not read the script. Or maybe he did and thought ah feck it, they’re going to sack me anyway I’ll just go for it regardless. Apparently the Ferrari press office were letting it be known after qualifying not to approach Di Montezemolo for interviews. But you know what Luca, if that kind of risky slipstream tactic is what you’re reduced to then its pretty desperate stuff especially considering the budget of gazillions you have at Ferrari.

This vice-like grip means you will smile for the cameras, Fernando. Ok?

But lets not overlook the brilliant performance by Hulkenberg to qualify 3^rd on the grid, ahead of both Ferraris. A truly stunning achievement and some top teams could do FAR worse than take a close look at the Hulk for a seat next year. But I’ve been saying that for years.

Well done to the uber-smart 6 year old who predicted Vettel and Webber would be 1-2 on the grid. In all fairness even the 2 year old probably would have predicted Vettel would get pole such is the soul-destroying dominance of the young man from Heppenheim.

Another pole. Another finger. Bored already.

So the top order of the grid lines up tomorrow as follows. The husband thinks there might be a ‘gear box change’ (nudge nudge wink wink) for Felipe Massa overnight. What an outrageous suggestion.

1. Vettel


2. Webber


3. Hulkenberg


4. Massa


5. Alonso


6. Rosberg


7. Ricciardo


8. Perez


9. Button


10. Vergne

Not writing off Monza but the current in-form fastest driver in the fastest car at the fastest track has got pole. It doesn’t bode well but in Formula 1 you never know what can happen.

Belgian Grand Prix – The Race

This race blog would not be complete without the obligatory picture of Eau Rouge!

With impeccable timing (in other words usual last minute headless chicken panic) I was still in the middle of making homemade pizzas* just as the lights went out and so pressed pause on the Sky streaming.

* Any implied reference to being some kind of Annabel Karmel super-mum are totally and utterly misleading. It was one of many bribes (that by and large failed) which were designed to keep the sprogs happy during the race while I flew solo due to the husband jollying it up at The Oval.

Twenty minutes (and a decimated kitchen) later, I pressed play only to discover it was lap 14 and Vettel was leading the race. So on top of a mild OCD freak out at the state of my kitchen, I’d been given mahoosive spoilers. Still if nothing else it looked like there had been some serious action in the first few laps. So lets press play...

Time For the Start and Go Go Go...! A clean start for Hamilton and Vettel, a great start for Button and a terrible start for Webber. Plus ca change. And on the first lap, Vettel passed Hamilton with ease demonstrating some blistering straight line speed. Oh good – clearly the Red Bull has been further improved during the summer holidays that Adrian Newey obviously doesn’t take. I could WEEP. Still by only lap 2, Alonso was already up to 5^th.

There's Vettel and (scrolls back some distance) there is Hamilton. Sigh.

Lap 3 and already a warning to Vettel to save his tyres. Presumably because the car is so ridiculously superior that they needn’t push it to the limit. Alonso finally took Button on lap 4. So Fernando from 9^th on the grid was now 4^th. In total and utter contrast, Max Chilton was running last from 16^th on the grid. Next in the firing line for the Alonso Tornado was Rosberg and sure enough wham bam, Fernando was now 3^rd.

So the Big Unknown Quantity was whether the drivers would be one-stopping or two-stopping. Taking a wild (and probably wrong) stab in the dark, Kimi would probably be one-stopping, possibly Button and Vettel/Hamilton would be two-stopping. Or maybe Vettel would park his Red Bull, have a leisurely picnic and then rejoin the race in the lead before winning the Grand Prix. I used to make similar jokes about Michael Schumacher but then I loved Schumacher so that was all ok.

Can I have a picnic shot? Great lets have a picnic shot!

In the least surprising sentence I have typed all week, life wasn’t going well for Grosjean – he was passed by Perez (in a move of questionable legality) and then Massa on lap 8. And to make life worse for Grosjean, his team-mate Kimi shot past Hulkenberg to move into 8^th place. We were told the steward at today’s race was Derek Warwick. Apologies for the slight name-dropping which I don't often do but I had the privilege of meeting Derek at Brands Hatch last year – what a thoroughly good guy and most unphased by the lunatic 4 year old who was accompanying me at the time.

Derek Warwick back in the day at the 1984 US GP in Dallas

Massa pitted on lap 10 and was almost clattered in the pits by Hulkenberg. And the pit floodgates were now well and truly open. And Sergio Perez duly got clobbered a penalty for forcing Grosjean off the track. A small and indeed rare victory for Romain. Lap 14 and Alonso pitted, along with Webber and Perez. Vettel pitted the following lap and naturally it was a supersonically fast pitstop with no unsafe release, no pitlane speeding and no exit into the path of Bad Driver Maldonado. Bah.

Alonso and Hamilton were having a feisty scrap for 3^rd but Hamilton could not hang on to his position. I’m guessing Lewis was not a happy bunny in that cockpit (and even poor Dad Hamilton looked on the verge of a breakdown). Overtaking was taking place everywhere –Rosberg on Grosjean for 5^th, Webber on Grosjean for 6^th and down in the nether regions of the field, Massa on Gutierrez for 10^th. All sounds fantastically exciting except in a weird way it really wasn’t.

If we thought Spa was dull, what will the Korean GP do to our senses?

Button eventually pitted on lap 18 but could he make it all the way to the finish? Meanwhile Vettel was leading and increasing the gap between himself and Fernando Alonso <cross face> So at the halfway point the order was 1. Vettel 2. Alonso 3. Hamilton 4. Rosberg 5. Webber 6. Button.

Quite freakily there was a long period of time during which the cameras followed Massa and Kimi (the thought just occurs to me that maybe the camera man or producer fell asleep). And just as I was wondering if we would ever again see a different couple of cars on our screens, Kimi went to pass Massa, suffered a brake failure and Shock Horror Kimi retired from the race – his first retirement in 39 races. It had to come to an end some day but all the same boo schmoo.

Kimi, as enthused as ever about the upcoming post-race briefing.

There was an intense 5 way scrap for 11^th involving Maldonado, Gutierrez, Sutil, Di Resta (how how how was Di Resta that low down from 5^th on the grid) and Hulkenberg. What could possibly go wrong?! Cue big crash between Maldonado and Di Resta and a shedload of debris and carbon fibre everywhere. Replays showed it was contact between Maldonado and Sutil that ploughed the Williams into the path of Di Resta. Whichever way, Di Resta will not be happy but to be fair he isn’t happy most of the time anyway.

Alonso pitted on lap 29 and Vettel came in two laps later and came out back in the lead. Save Me Now. Crofty tried bless him to inject some excitement into the fact that Alonso had set the fastest lap of the race but really only the heavens opening and dumping an avalanche of rain would liven things up. Button was being moved back to Plan A (a two stopper?) and we saw a Weather Monitor of Doom which told us no rain was expected in the next 30 minutes. Bugger.  On lap 35 Button pitted and rejoined in 6^th spot.

No rain at Spa today. Big fat boo.

Webber was still stuck behind Rosberg and could not find a way to get past which probably explains why Vettel has won 3 world championships and Webber will be racing in Porsche next year. Maldonado was duly slapped with a penalty for causing the Force India collision. Poor old Claire Williams – another utterly crud weekend at the office.

Four laps to go and Vettel had a 11½ second lead. A podium of Vettel, Alonso and Hamilton looked almost certain (unless biblical rain arrived). The only real battles were going on between  Rosberg/Webber and Grosjean/Massa and Perez/Ricciardo. There was a little warning from the team for Vettel to stay within the car and within himself – remember the final lap at Monaco that was two seconds faster than anything else he’d done. He has definite flash git tendencies.

And as the chequered flag fell, Vettel took his fifth victory of his increasingly dominant season. He has now passed 2000 laps leading in Formula 1 races. A stunning yet relatively depressing achievement.

I feel like we've been here before.

Here are the results from the Belgian Grand Prix 2013:

1. Vettel – Another crushingly dominant win. Weeps silent tears.


2. Alonso – Brilliant climb up the points from 9^th on the grid. But cannot seem to reel in the Red Bull.


3. Hamilton – Might be disappointed after taking pole but yet another podium for the Silver Arrows.


4. Rosberg – A good, solid outing.


5. Webber – See Rosberg.


6. Button – He loves Spa and is managing to consolidate his position as best of the rest (ie. behind Red Bull, Ferrari and Mercedes) but that first podium of the season is proving very elusive.

So not a vintage race. Not sure what it is but rarely when Vettel wins do I feel we have had a sensational race. Dominant driver in a dominant car do not great races make. For all my banter about the Blonde Bombshell (Sebastian), of course it isn’t his fault – he is just doing his job fantastically well. But all in all this season is a bit meh so far.

Just ONE more race in Europe remaining – how did that happen? I’m going to throw one out there and say that Monza will be a blinding race! Why, because I can and we’re sure owed a showpiece race or two this season. A flimsy argument but here's hoping I'm right!

Belgian Grand Prix – Qualifying

This cover photo is for Rich (the other one!)

Formula 1 is back. Much rejoicing in Power Towers. We arrived back from the West of Ireland at midnight last night (or is that technically this morning?). Now that’s impeccable timing. And now for something unusual (!), a big shout out to the husband who drove around 700km in one day yesterday. Next year I might enter him for the Le Mans 24 hour race!

Long weekend in Le Mans anyone?

So home just in time for the best race of the entire F1 season. Okay maybe not necessarily always the best race of the season (although it often is!) but it is indisputably the greatest track in F1. The evocative names of Eau Rouge, La Source, Blanchimont, Malmedy and Stavelot just literally send shivers down my spine. The day Spa gets dropped from the F1 calendar is the day that F1 dies.

I also remembered at some stage in the 15 hour journey back home that I never managed to do part 2 of my mid-term review. Blame it on holidays, small children and having to YouTube endless clips of Mr Bean and Usain Bolt (pretty much his two heroes – go figure) – all of which meant my blogging opportunities were next to zero. I’d even painstakingly worked out grades for the remaining 12 drivers which will probably make me a laughing stock when Bottas (who got a C minus) wins the Belgian GP!

So what occurred at qualifying for the Belgian GP?

Q1 – The main talking point was the truly awful weather that had arrived just in time for qualifying. Oh we like very, very much. All of Europe has had the best summer in years but you can rely on biblical rain to dump out of the sky in good old Spa-Francorchamps. Cue lots and lots of camera shots of weather monitors of doom.

One of the reasons why F1 fans love rain and crazy weather conditions is that it mixes everything up nicely and makes the performance differential of the various cars less apparent. And whatd’ya know…Giedo van der Garde finished Q1 in 3^rd, Jules Bianchi in 11^th and Max Chilton in 16^th. Yes that would be two Marussias (yes really!) and a Caterham into Q2.

Brilliant day at the office for Giedo!

So out of Q2 were: 17) Pastor Maldonado, 18) Jean-Eric Vergne, 19) Daniel Ricciardo (not a qualifying performance inclined to make Christian Horner pick up the phone to Daniel’s people) 20) Valtteri Bottas, 21) Esteban Gutierrez and 22) Charles Pic.

And so to Q2 – Ferrari were looking quick. Red Bull were looking quick and Mercedes were looking quick. And to throw another hat (helmet?) into the mix the Lotus of Kimi Raikkonen topped the session with the fastest time.

Will they won't they be team-mates next year?

With seconds remaining, Massa climbed up to 6^th from the dropzone and and just as I dismissed his chances of escaping, Button rocketed up to 5^th. Hamilton looking oddly lacklustre literally just made the cut by a few thousandths of a second. But crucially (and no spoilers intended…er much), he was still in the mix.

Ending up in the Dreaded Dropzone were: 11) Nico Hulkenberg, 12) Adrian Sutil, 13) Sergio Perez, 14) Giedo Van Der Garde, 15) Jules Bianchi and 16) Max Chilton.

And now folks it was Showdown Time and heavy rain was falling again. Nine different polesitters in the last nine races. And this is why we love Spa.

Di Resta was the only driver to come out inters while all the rest trundled out on slicks. Well could this be one of the best gambles in the history of gambles by Force India. Possibly. And the rain starting tippling down. Cue all the other drivers rushing back into the pits to whack on some inters with Rosberg telling his team they needed to get back out there as soon as possible.

And Di Resta was the first to set a time at 2:02:332. This was surely the benchmark time as the rain fell more heavily. But brilliantly it wasn’t raining that hard on all the circuit just on some of it. This is why we love Spa (part 254). As we followed Massa around in torrential rain, Brundle announced that Di Resta looked to have pole position sewn up. Rosberg grabbed second and elicited a ‘wow’ from Brundle mainly because in the same period the likes of Alonso were setting times ten seconds slower.

So with SECONDS to go, the top three in the championship were going to line up on the grid in 8^th, 9^th and 10^th. This meant that somehow Jenson Button in his tractor of a McLaren had out-qualified Vettel, Kimi and Alonso. Or had he? Nooooooo the rain was easing off and now the track was drying. Gotta love that Ardennes weather!

Lewis in action at Spa

Rosberg sensationally grabbed provisional pole but ominously the Red Bulls were still out on track in the drying conditions. Webber went fastest, Vettel went fastest and AT THE DEATH none other than Lewis Hamilton seized pole position. What an absolutely tremendous qualifying performance from Lewis which surely has to rank right up there with his most treasured poles. This is his 4^th pole position in a row.  Last British driver to get 4 poles in a row? Answers in a tweet please! Lewis promised earlier in the week to hunt his rivals down one by one. Well this is a good start.

So this is what the top ten for tomorrow’s race looks like:

1. Hamilton


2. Vettel


3. Webber


4. Rosberg


5. Di Resta


6. Button


7. Grosjean


8. Kimi


9. Alonso


10. Massa

I can’t actually put it any better than Martin Brundle who tweeted: Fascinating grid for tomorrow's F1 race. Plenty out of position compared with their true pace, both faster and slower. Don't miss it ‪#SkyF1

I might be flying solo with two kids tomorrow (as the husband watches no cricket in the rain at the Oval) but nothing on earth will keep me from watching this potentially epic race with the Twitterverse for company. Coffee, valium, heck even alcohol are at the ready. Cannot freaking wait!