Credit: The 4 year old (from this week's School Diary) |
Once in a while a race
comes along that makes you realise why Formula 1 is the Greatest Show in the
World. All hail the Valencia Grand Prix of 2012.
Given the previous
snoozefests brought to us by Valencia, those are not words that I expected to
be writing but this race was simply awesome from start to finish and
immediately has catapaulted into one of my Favourite Races of All Time and
incredibly no rain was involved which is normally the backdrop to a Truly Great
Race.
Before I get too carried
away (but I promise nothing and indeed the husband has already expressed some nervousness
about the likely hysteria levels of this blog), I should first apologise for
the complete lack of a qualifying blog. I’m frantically searching for a really
good reason but the boring truth of the matter is that I was out most of
Saturday, then had yet more enforced football watching in the evening and then
the husband was at work all day on Sunday. As I dropped him off at the station
(even I felt sorry for him being the only commuter – who in the name of
insanity organises a strategy day on a Sunday in June!?) he casually remarked “I
bet it will be a cracking race today”. Obviously because I know so much about
F1, I shot him down in flames. I should have known that in this mad old season,
nothing is as you would expect. Anyway I’ve done my sympathetic bit (it doesn’t
come naturally as the husband well knows) and the great thing is the husband
can read my blog and relive the magic of the race. Well sort of.
I did actually make some
notes during the real-live qualifying on Saturday but helpfully Sky did a recap
of qualifying just before the race (along with several hundred other recaps of
various things) so I thought I could just neatly summarise the…er…recap and we
can all pretend that I properly covered qualifying after all. What is important
to note here though is that what happened in qualifying actually bears no
resemblance to who finished where in the race.
Luca Di Montezemolo - He was really cross after qualifying (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
So here is a summary of qualifying
in bullet-point form (you can tell what job I did in a former life can’t you?):
· Timo Glock had food
poisoning so didn’t take part. Ah well.
· HRT had qualified ahead
of Marussia. Lets hear it for Narain (and team-mate) for not being the slowest
people on the grid!
· Mark Webber went out in
Q1 for no good reason.
· Kovalainen started 16th.
This is amazing as he drives a Caterham.
· Ferrari massively screwed
up by gambling that one set of softs would be enough to get into the top ten. Alonso
started in 11th place and Massa in 13th. Worst of all was
that Di Montezemolo had graced Valencia with a personal audience and was looking
thunderous at the end of qualifying.
· Schumacher was in 12th
place, nestled in between the Ferraris.
· Both Force India’s made
it into the top ten.
· Button was 9th
which was a bit rubbish.
· The two Lotus cars
qualified in 4th and 5th and were looking very fast.
· Nico Rosberg started 6th
but was held up by Lewis Hamilton on the last corner of the outlap. Mercedes
were very annoyed, went to the stewards to complain but Lewis was found Not
Guilty.
· Maldonaldo qualifed in 3rd.
There was general amazement about this.
· Vettel was on pole by
4/10ths of a second over Lewis Hamilton who was in 2nd
place. In contrast, only 6/10ths covered P2 to P10. Vettel’s car has
lots of new bits and pieces like a new exhaust and a new bodywork package. I’m
saying nothing except Adrian Newey was doing a LOT of scribbling in his Top
Secret Pad on the pitlane in Canada. Vettel at the age of 24 has equalled
Prost’s number of pole positions and he is about as fun to watch. I don’t mean
this in a good way.
· So there were seven
different teams in the top ten. This generally got people very excited and
hopeful of a good race but even Brundle wasn’t going wild for the prospect of a
Great Race. But hey, we can all get it wrong!
Hurrah that’s all sorted
and now onto the race. I should explain that I ended up watching on Sky, even
though lovely Jake Humphrey was back on the Beeb, due to the fact that the BBC
coverage had failed to record as there was a clash with Four in a Bed. That
probably reveals a lot about our not-so-highbrow televisual habits during the
week.
So we had a line-up of
Simon Lazenby-Thing (still apparently in a job), Martin Brundle, Johnny Herbert
and the charisma-bypass zone that is Nick Heidfeld. He might be a lovely chap
but he has the most boring voice I have ever heard in an F1 pitlane since Mika
Hakkinen and at least Mika was mainly driving cars so we didn’t get to listen
to him much. What’s the betting though Mika pops up in a future race seeing as
Sky’s New Idea is to bring back a former F1 driver who isn’t doing much
nowadays as a guest pundit.
We were shown some old
footage of the 1999 European GP at Nürburgring which was a totally mental race,
full of crashes and constant drama in torrential conditions. Johnny Herbert won
for Stewart GP in the team’s one and only race win. I remember watching that
race massively jetlagged in South Africa while lots of alpha male types were
incredulous that a woman knew anything at all about Formula 1. Happy days.
Johnny Herbert driving for Stewart GP (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
Next up, the obligatory
quick interview with Christian Horner who had presumably hunted down the Sky
cameras while we were reliving classic Nürburgring moments, then a surprisingly
entertaining feature on McLaren (oh the irony) training the Sky Sports team to
do a pitstop. By the end, the Sky team had got it down to 6 seconds. Worth
remembering that small nugget of information.
Brundle working The Grid |
So time for ♯MartinsGridWalk.
It started a bit shakily as none of the cars were on the grid, then Martin and his
camera crew had to try and avoid getting run over as the cars slowly made their
way onto the grid. We found out that Massa appeared to have a person who held
his sunglasses for him (or maybe that was Martin being droll) – I think he
interviewed Felipe but I can’t remember what was said. It wasn’t important
anyway. Button was in conversation with someone whose name was apparently Mikey
Muscles (not sure if Mikey is an Official Sunglasses Carrier or does something
more important). There was a very amusing interchange between Button and
Brundle. Jenson asked Brundle about Le Mans (which he took part in the previous
weekend) and remarked to Brundle how fast the young kids all are these days. To
which Brundle made a comment to Jenson being ‘out of position because he didn’t
get the job done in qualifying’. Time out guys.
Then Martin ran into his
old friend, Tanja from German TV – I noted he wasn’t sarcastic to her! He
managed a very quick word with Pastor Maldonaldo which might have been longer
but Pastor needed the toilet and Martin gave him quite detailed directions to
the nearest one. Pastor actually seemed quite grateful but I think he had
forgotten he was still on live TV. Oh dear. Quick chats then with Kamui
Kobayashi who seemed quite animated and excited by his own laconic standards
and then a word with Ross Brawn. If you’re ever playing or devising F1 bingo, make
sure you plump for a Ross Brawn comment on tyre degradation. He never fails!
Slightly disturbing shot
of what appeared to be Bernie talking to Massa by pinning him (Massa being
pinned, not the other way round!) up against the wall. We never got to the
bottom of that but perhaps Massa’s Official Sunglasses Carrier took the wrong
sunglasses by mistake. As the seconds
ticked down to the start, we saw lots of wannabe WAG types in bikinis standing
in a swimming pool with a phenomenal view of the circuit. There is no justice
in the world.
Time For
the Start and Go Go Go...! Vettel, Hamilton and Grosjean all had amazing starts
but especially Vettel which was potentially ominous. Maldonaldo slithered
backwards and was squeezed out by Kimi, then Grosjean. Alonso had a stupendous
start and had rocketed up into 8th position by the end of lap 1.
By lap 2,
Vettel had pulled out a 2.2 second lead over Lewis in 2nd place. By
lap 3, his lead had increased to 4 seconds. I was already praying for a
mechanical fault or tyre delamination on Vettel’s car (in a totally non-dangerous
way of course) otherwise this could be the most boring race ever. As is the way
in Valencia…usually. Grosjean was rapidly catching Lewis and Kimi was having a
massive scrap with Maldonaldo which for my money had Imminent Crash Followed By
Safety Car written all over it. Meanwhile, Rosberg had plummeted down to 11th
place and Schuey was still pootling around in 12th spot.
We had
1000s of replays of the start all of which (strangly enough) confirmed the
above. All the meanwhile, Vettel was opening up a whopping lead which by lap 4
was 6.6 seconds. It wasn’t helping that Lewis was really holding up Grosjean
(odd to think it was that way round but there you go). Just as I was thinking
to myself that Lewis wasn’t having a good race, Radio McLaren told him he was
doing a great job. I know Lewis is a bit fragile but like the rest of us he
presumably could see Grosjean right on his tail and that the guy in front of
him was…er…nowhere to be seen.
Vettel's car looked something like this |
There was a
blur of Sebastian Vettel Fastest Laps™ before I was jogged back into
consciousness by a collision between Narain Karthikeyan and Charles Pic
as they battled for 22nd place. That’s commitment for you.
By
lap 10, Vettel had opened up a 10 second lead and the following lap, Grosjean
put a stunning move on Lewis Hamilton to pass him on the outside. We all hoped
now it was Game On but depressingly Vettel just kept extending his lead. New
exhaust and bodywork you say? Had Newey inserted some kind of missile
underneath it or what?! First into the pits was Button and Perez but they were
languishing so far down no one really cared where they came out. Finally Kimi
got past Maldonaldo in another great overtaking move. We salute Lotus and their
brilliant, cavalier drivers who like to overtake!
Alonso
meanwhile had overtaken Hulkenberg and Maldonaldo which meant by lap 15, he was
now in 3rd place (without having pitted). Lewis came into the pits
and incredibly nothing went wrong. We were told that Sam Michael at McLaren had
promised the pit crew a round of beers if they did a good job although they did
send Lewis back out into traffic so maybe the Pitstop Strategy person might
only get an orange juice.
The lovely Nicole - she wears a lot of straw hats. I'm saying nothing. |
Stop
Press – we had a Straw Hat on the track (its hard to write those words without
mentally saying them in a ‘Bryn from Gavin and Stacey’ voice). Anyway, it
didn’t last long once Kimi and Maldonaldo’s cars had given Straw Hat the 200
miles an hour treatment.
There
were lots and lots of pitstops in rapid succession including Alonso who dived
in and rejoined in 9th place. It didn’t seem that amazing a track position
but since starting this blog, I have realised its always worth keeping track of
where Fernando is. Honestly not meant to be a spoiler but I guess it kind of
is!
Vettel
came into the pits and tediously re-emerged back into the lead. In the words of
Martin Brundle, he was looking a “very, very good prospect”. The 4 year old got
temporarily excited to see Schuey was in 6th place, as did I until I
realised he had not yet pitted. Blast it.
And to boot, Michael was causing something of a traffic jam as dozens of
cars were piled up behind him. He defended his position brilliantly from Alonso
for a while but eventually had to yield and let the Ferrari pass.
On
lap 20, Schuey and Webber pitted which I remember feeling quite relieved as it
was getting very congested out there and I couldn’t take another race where
some nutter crashed into Schuey.
Time
for our next incident (told you this was a corker of a race and, folks, this is
the tip of the iceberg!) and it involved Senna and Kobayashi (two very likely
candidates). They had a coming together after Senna didn’t spot Kamui coming up
on the inside, resulting in a spectacular spin by the Williams which
miraculously missed the wall and several other drivers. Poor old Bruno hobbled
back to the pits to patch up the car and then got slapped with a drive through
penalty.
Meanwhile,
Vettel was still doing fastest laps (this was the one and only boring dimension
of the race but in an odd way this only makes what followed even more
exciting!) and we were told he was so many seconds or minutes (possibly even hours)
in the lead, he could do another stop and still stay out in 1st
place. Imagine our joy.
Paul
Di Resta eventually pitted on lap 24. I can’t make that sound any more
exciting. Sorry! Meanwhile (Smug Portent Alert), I have scribbled in my notes at
this point in the race how well it always comes together for Ferrari (well obviously,
I mean Alonso) on race day.
Jean-Eric Vergne - Take a bow (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
But
just as the trophy engraver was finishing the ‘L’ on Sebastian Vettel, we had a
Race Changing Crash on lap 28. Who would have thought a couple of backmarkers
fighting over 17th place would turn the race on its head. Villain of
the hour (or saviour of the race – discuss?), Jean-Eric Vergne suddenly cut across
the track and weaved into the Caterham of Kovalainen resulting in both cars
picking up punctures and lots of tyre being shredded everywhere. Time for the
Safety Car. And bang went Vettel’s 20 second lead in one fell swoop. It wasn’t
really fair but then fair can be boring and who wants boring!!
Most
of the cars trundled into the pits to get their tyres changed including Lewis
Hamilton. Time to crank up the McLaren Pitstop Disastometer and gazooks, it
pinged up to 8 after a totally calamitous pitstop which meant that Alonso
passed Lewis in the pits. The pitstop took a shocking 14 seconds which is a
whole 8 seconds slower than the Sky Sports crew. I’m guessing that order for
the round of drinks has been cancelled.
So time to
take stock of the running order behind the Safety Car: 1. Vettel, 2. Grosjean,
3. Alonso, 4. Ricciardo (yes, really), 5. Kimi, and 6. Hamilton. After an
eternity, the safety car came in on lap 33 and on the restart, Alonso jumped
Grosjean to take 2nd place. Romain, my friend, watch and learn from
the master. Just as one Ferrari driver displayed his brilliance in front of his
home crowd, the other Ferrari driver made contact with Kobayashi and got a
puncture. They’ve probably stopped caring what happens to Massa at Ferrari. But
then who needs another driver when you have Alonso!
Updated image of Vettel's car |
Then A
SENSATIONAL DEVELOPMENT (I’ve left Bryn behind and now got the voice of Murray
Walker in my head) on lap 34. Vettel was SLOWING and was OUT OF THE RACE. This
meant that ALONSO (who qualified in 11th place) was leading the
race. Stone the flaming crows. Crofty in the commentary box almost had a
seizure and the camera flashed onto Adrian Newey looking utterly devastated.
Cheer up Adrian, anyone would think you didn’t still have a driver in the race!
Poor Mark Webber, the forgotten man of Red Bull.
Meanwhile,
Massa was having a disastrous pitstop (did Ferrari borrow the McLaren crew for
a laugh?) where the wrong tyres were put on his car. But never mind hey.
The 4 year
old suddenly noticed that Schuey was in 5th place and asked whether
five people could be on the podium. Imagine his lunatic celebrations if Schuey
ever got on the podium?! As if that would ever happen. Suddenly Maldonaldo was
on the charge, taking Webber, Hulkenberg and Di Resta. Clearly Good Driver
Maldonaldo was in the house as opposed to Bad Driver Maldonaldo who crashes a
lot.
Some bad
news filtered through onto our screens. Narain Karthikeyan had been given a
drive-through penalty for speeding in the pitlane. On the down-side, this was
hardly going to help his race but lets take the positives where we can – he was
still at least in the race! Then to the general consternation of the
commentators, me and (less so) the 4 year old who merely asked after every
single incident ‘is it Schumacher?’, we discovered that Lewis Hamilton was
under investigation.
Alonso
meantime was doing ‘A Vettel’ and putting in some stunning laptimes while out
in front. Then we had A FURTHER SENSATIONAL DEVELOPMENT. On lap 41, Grosjean’s
car started slowing down and eventually just stopped. So after losing the
driver who was leading the race, now the guy in 2nd place had conked
out. So lucky old Lewis moved into 2nd place with Kimi in 3rd
and Maldonaldo in 4th place. Just as I was starting to get a bit
giddy about Schuey being nicely placed, he promptly pitted from 5th
place. Amidst all the chaos (and you ain’t seen nothing yet!), it emerged that
somehow, inexplicably, a Caterham, driven by Petrov, had reached the dizzying
heights of 10th place. A Caterham might actually get into the
points. Complete madness.
Seemingly
forgetting that Alonso was in the lead, Radio Lotus were telling Kimi that he
could win the race and Radio McLaren was telling Hamilton he could win. So we
had three world champions slugging it out with 13 laps to go. The 4 year old
and me were firmly rooted to the sofa and not moving for anyone or anything. Perez
had woken up and was absolutely flying in 7th place and Schuey was
looking very fast. Interesting times.
Time for
another collision. I don’t think we’d now had one for a whole 5 laps. This time
involving Ricciardo and Petrov. Oooops – goodbye to those precious first points
for Caterham. We found out that no further action was being taken against Lewis
after the Mysterious Investigation. Lap 50 and Schumacher put a brilliant move
on Button to move into 8th place. Webber got in on the action and
sneaked past Button who just looked painfully slow. The next victim to be
gobbled up by Schuey was Perez, followed by Di Resta. With two laps remaining,
Schuey was in 6th place.
Lewis Hamilton (or is it Basil Fawlty?) |
Kimi was
closing on Hamilton whose tyres had just fallen off the proverbial cliff and he
clung on as long as he could but ultimately could not delay the inevitable and
Kimi passed him for 2nd place. Next up to have a sniff was
Maldonaldo and there was a frantic battle out on track as Lewis desperately
tried to keep him behind. Eventually Maldonaldo tried to take Lewis on the
outside and after drifting off the track, Lewis refused to budge and let him
back on. Result: one McLaren sent hurtling into the barriers and an
incandescent Lewis Hamilton who (much in the same way as the 4 year old when
playing the Wii) hurled his steering wheel out of the car. I must admit that I
initially thought Lewis was as much to blame as Pastor by over-zealously
clinging onto his position and adopting a win or bust mentality. But various
replays have shown that Maldonaldo was a bit of a muppet although Lewis perhaps
should have kept a cooler head. Alain Prost he ain’t.
Despite
having my own live-in Schumacher Watch, I had somehow missed the fact that
Schumacher was now in THIRD PLACE WITH A LAP TO GO. Previously he had been
behind the Hulk as had Webber but now Webber was bearing down on Schumacher. To
say there was some tension and screaming in our lounge might be a bit of a
understatement. The 4 year old was just repeating everything I was saying which
was probably ill-advised but can be roughly translated as ‘go away, Webber, you
poo-poo head’. It was like the Longest Lap Ever but surely the racing gods
could not deprive Schumacher of a podium with a few corners to go. And they
didn’t dare. Crossing the line past the chequered flag was 1. Alonso, 2. Kimi
and 3. Schumacher. Is that not the best podium ever?! Old School Podiums Rock.
Rolling back the years! |
So here are the results
from the Valencia Grand Prix 2012:
1.
Alonso – A truly stunning drive by a supremely talented
racing driver. Remember he qualified in 11th place.
2.
Raikkonen – Superb performance (you can see I’m going to run
out of superlatives soon).
3.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER – A brilliant drive and it was absolutely
fantastic (and ever so slightly emotional) to see him on the podium again after
all these years. The 4 year old was beside himself. We are not worthy.
4.
Webber – Good old Mark. You can always rely on him to
deliver a 4th place (and a very useful 12 points). But, he is 2nd
place in the drivers championship so who is laughing now?
5.
Hulkenberg – So much of his race passed me by but a very
good effort in a Force India.
6. Rosberg – Kept his head
down and did pretty well.
The podium scenes were
awesome. All the drivers were deliriously happy to be there although with Kimi
it can be hard to tell. There was quite a love-in with the Ferrari Race
Engineer (Andrea Stella) who had worked with all three former World Champions
on the podium. Word has it that Schuey sung along to the Italian Anthem (force
of habit) but the Spanish cameras were firmly fixed on their national hero,
Alonso.
What a
blinding race although it did shred most of my nervous system along the way!
I’m off for a lie-down (it is nearly midnight). Next up in this most brilliant
of seasons, it’s the British Grand Prix. I’ll have some valium at the ready.