Mark Webber - he had a bonza race in Monaco (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
So I realised in my,
ahem, slight hysteria, about Michael Schumacher getting pole position that I
actually forgot in my previous blog to give the rest of the grid order for
Sunday’s race. Ooops. I was just a little bit excited and might have been
bashing out the blog on Saturday evening while partaking of a glass of wine or
two while watching Eurovision. A dangerous mix. Imagine if Michael Schumacher
even won a race again – you’d be lucky to discover from my blog who else even
made it onto the podium! Still as that eventuality seems destined never to
happen until Mercedes can actually provide Schuey with a car that doesn’t break
down every single frigging race, you can all rest easy.
I still (and it is Wednesday, shameful I know) haven’t
watched all of the build up – the blame for this can be placed solely on a
not-at-all tedious visit to Homebase to buy endless bags of sand for the
sprogs’ sand-pit and random plants chosen by the 4 year old which will probably
all be dead this time next year. The husband vetoed the Beeb build-up and for
once I was pretty much in agreement after their obsessive Schumacher-bashing
the previous day. So we were straight in to ♯MartinsGridWalk for which I had
high hopes given we were in uber-chic Monte Carlo crammed to the rafters with
Beautiful People. We were told that the average life expectancy there is the
highest in the world at 90. Not sure what we were meant to do with this nugget
of information but its safe to say that if you are rich as Croesus then you do tend
to have access to the best doctors on the planet. Ah the unfairness of life, or
death (if you’re not fortunate enough to live in Monaco!).
Jools Holland, Random Celebrity at a Race (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
Martin had quick chats
(ie. 4 words) with both Nico Rosberg and Grosjean, then muscled his way into a
getting a quick interview with Antonio Banderas who was there with his New Best
Friend, Fernando Alonso. To be fair, Antonio was able to name at least three F1
drivers (Lauda, Senna and Prost) which is probably three more than Geri
Halliwell could name. The grid was absolutely rammed to the extent that Martin
just walked past Eric Clapton and Jools Holland. Maybe they’re just close
personal friends of Martin so he doesn’t see them as celebs – whatever, they
were all very matey and chummy. Eric Clapton was also aware of the Crucial
First Corner at Monaco. There was a quick throw-away line from Martin to them
at the end of “are you on the boat tonight” which I think confirms that Martin
leads a pretty glitzy life behind that bloke-next-door exterior.
Then to my amazement, Martin
interviewed the True Polesitter, Michael Schumacher. WTF? Michael never ever gives
interviews on the grid. I immediately started to worry whether he was too
relaxed in a ‘what could possibly go wrong?’ kind of way. Portent Alert.
Princess Charlene (lets hope she brought a good book for the race) (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
It turned out that the
Dark Knight, Ron Dennis, was in Monaco. He was wearing quite a loud Cityboy
shirt trying to pretend he was just there for the fun of the race but I reckon
he has flown out to put the fear of god into the McLaren mechanics not to make
any more mistakes. He is still a very scary man – there were a couple of death
stares as ditsy Natalie interviewed him. We caught a brief glimpse of
runaway-bride Princess Charlene hiding her sad eyes behind some large shades. Then
Nicole Scherzinger told us how Lewis was really focused and happy. Nice try,
Nicole, but we don’t really believe you. All in all, quite a disappointing
Monaco Celebrity Pitlane. Maybe the global recession is biting or maybe the
A-listers don’t want to venture forth from their swish hospitality tents in case
a tiny speck of grease gets onto their designer clobber. Pah.
I have made a note here
that the husband was droning on about brake ducts. He knew I wasn’t listening
and bless him, he plugged away regardless.
So (I did get around to
it eventually!) the Monaco grid lined up as follows: 1. Webber, 2. Rosberg, 3.
Hamilton, 4. Grosjean, 5, Alonso, 6. Schumacher, 7. Massa, 8. Raikkonen, 9.
Vettel, 10. Hulkenberg.
Time For The Start and Go Go Go...! The next bit I had to rewind and freeze-frame about
8 times to work out what had happened. Webber and Rosberg got away cleanly,
Hamilton had a very poor start and as a result Alonso got stuck behind him and
moved out into the path of Grosjean and they banged wheels. Grosjean in a
classic rabbit-in-the-headlights moment went wide into the path of Schumacher (Sebastian,
you utter utter total swine) who had made a brilliant start on the outside.
They touched and Grosjean’s car started spinning around wildly. He then managed
to punt Kobayashi into the path of Button. Way to go, Seb. In an entirely
unrelated event (I think), Maldonaldo crashed out after colliding with an HRT. So
it was all a bit frantic to say the least.
Lewis was on
his radio in a nanosecond asking “what the hell happened at the start?” Is this
not a question for Lewis who was the person in the car at the start? Kevin the
Teenager is back in the building. What does Nicole know about his state of mind
hey? Lewis is happy my foot. Does she ever watch the races? He is normally having a nervous breakdown by lap 3. Meanwhile there was general
consternation about the state of Schuey’s car and how badly it had been damaged
by the coming together with Crashjean (yes, the mean nickname has been
reinstated). Brundle thought Schuey’s suspension might have been damaged – oh
FFS. All Mercedes were saying to Schuey was to look after the gear-box. Great.
That was two things for me to now worry about. The 4 year old already thought
it was an outrage that Schuey started 6th (ie. after the grid-place
penalty) so was getting super agitated as to why Schuey wasn't doing better.
First
Clipboard Moment of the race – stewards were investigating cars shortcutting
the first corner on lap 1. How idiotic – what were they supposed to do when
confronted head on with the wildly spinning Lotus of Crashjean. Plough straight
into it or sensibly try and pick another path around it. Anyway eventually they
decided no further action would be taken. Maybe they feel they have to justify
their salary sometimes by pretending to look into various incidents while
kicking back and slugging on a bottle of beer, or champagne seeing as we were in Monaco and all that.
Meanwhile
Webber was setting fastest lap after fastest lap while Alonso was holding up a
stream of cars. First appearance of the word ‘procession’ in my notes and depressingly
it wasn’t the last. On lap 13, we were told that it was due to rain in 15 laps
time. Showing that A-level maths wasn’t a complete waste of time (but largely,
it was), that meant the race might actually get vaguely exciting around lap 28.
Until then the drivers would be working very hard to preserve their tyres and
stay out until they would need to pit for wet tyres. Could we take much more excitement?!
Loews Hairpin - it really is very tricky (Credit: Wikimedia Commons) |
Button was
told they were switching to Plan B. Isn’t this what they always do and it never
ever works? There was a hilarious moment when Narain Karthikeyan got the wrong
racing line going round the Loews hairpin (or whatever its called these days) with
no other cars remotely close by and basically managed to have an incident all
by himself. It was eerily reminiscent of when I drive around Monaco when
playing the Wii – the 4 year old, of course, has somehow mastered the art of staying
superglued to the racing line (a point he makes to me repeatedly as my virtual car
hurtles headlong into a virtual barrier). So I have great sympathy with Narain.
That is a very difficult corner.
There was a
big old tussle between Kimi and Schuey for the next few laps. Schuey was all
over the back of the Lotus but simply could not find a way past – such is the
joy of the near-impossible-to-overtake track that is Monaco. By lap 26 (yes we’re
up to that point already), we were told
there was possible rain in FOUR minutes and everyone’s tyres were starting to
go off. Hall-e-lu-jah! As riveting as it was
watching a huge traffic jam trundle around behind Kimi Raikkonen, it would be
nice to actually see some action out there on track or even in the pitstop. Not
fussy in the slightest!
Suddenly we
had our first pitstop of any significance – in came Nico Rosberg for some soft
tyres and he slotted back in nicely in 6th place ahead of the Kimi
Traffic Jam. Also dicing with each other were Alonso and Hamilton, until
Hamilton (along with Webber) came in to the pits. Alonso stayed out for one
extra lap and had not one but two purple sectors (I thought the commentators
were actually going to implode with excitement) which meant after his pitstop
he was able to leapfrog Lewis. Did the McLaren mechanics not know that Scary
Ron was in Monaco with his industrial strength hairdryer borrowed from Sir Alex
Ferguson?! Oh dear.
From
nowhere, it appeared that Sebastian Vettel was leading the race. I
(pointlessly) asked the husband how on earth this had come to pass and he said
it was because he had yet to stop. But various other drivers behind him had yet
to stop (Schuey, Button etc) although admittedly he had the distinct advantage
of not encountering Grosjean’s car doing pirouettes at close quarters at the
start. Lap 35 saw Schuey finally come in for a pitstop but as he was now in 9th
place, all the euphoria from qualifying (and indeed the will to live) had longed since
drained away.
Next
frisson of excitement was discovering that Perez had been given a drive through
penalty for doing some naughty blocking tactics on Kimi just before going into
the pits. Has the man got a death-wish or something. You mess with Kimi at your
peril. Sergio had better watch out in Canada.
Bit like the Monaco Grand Prix |
So at the
half-way stage, the top order was 1. Vettel (how? how? how?), 2. Webber, 3.
Nico, 4. Alonso, 5. Lewis and 6. Massa. It seems hardly worth noting that
Button came into the pits and even though his race was effectively jiggered,
the McLaren loons still managed to get him stuck behind Kovalainen in 15th
place. Maybe Scary Ron had just thought blow this popstand and was sipping dry
martinis on a luxury yacht. And who could blame him. He was probably bored senseless like the rest of us.
Time for an
update from the Weather Monitor of Doom (or ‘Hope’ depending on whether you
wanted some rain to spice up the race or fancied a quick 50 minute kip on the
sofa). Heavy rain was now thirty minutes away. Lewis was now complaining that
stuff from a pitboard was being dropped on his head. Okay, that’s a new one.
You worry for his state of mind sometimes. FINALLY, Vettel came in for his
supersofts and emerged from the pits just ahead of Hamilton and Massa. I hope
Seb knew to get a move on – he didn’t want to get too near to Lewis. He is never
off his radio for a single second. How can that be safe?! We were now told that
no rain was expected before the end of the race. The will-it-won't-it rain updates were now getting beyond tedious.
Not that my
attention was wandering (much) but I have noted down at this point that the 4
year old was re-enacting a race outside on the patio involving Hamilton and
Schuey throwing sticks at each other. Truly bizarre but to be honest a darn
sight more entertaining than the Monaco GP. The commentators meanwhile were
telling us a pack of lies and saying it was going to be a barnstorming finish.
The best thing you could say was that it was still very close up front – just a few
seconds separated the top six. But unless the heavens opened and a flashflood
hit Monaco in the next 20 minutes, squat diddly was going to change.
Lap 60 and Schuey
reported a problem with the car (a fuel pressure issue apparently) and a stream
of cars started passing him. Another retirement for Schuey. NOT GOOD ENOUGH,
Mercedes. Do you hear me? The 4 year old drew a sad face on my pad. Think of
the children.
The Weather Monitor of Doom (rely on this at your peril) |
It was time
for Lewis to start panicking about something else. Apparently there was a funny
yellow light on the right hand side of the dashboard. Man, he really needs to
chillax. I’m kind of thinking being an F1 driver wasn’t the best of career
choices for someone who is a bit mentally fragile. Up popped a few umbrellas
and we all got temporarily excited it was going to rain. None more so than
Vergne who rushed in to get a set of inters. He dropped 4 places then promptly
was the slowest man on the track. As they say on Top Gear, that didn’t go well.
Meanwhile
it was all still very close at the front but it was Monaco, they could be out
there for a month of Sundays (please god no) and nothing would EVER change.
Button, who I had entirely forgotten about, crashed into Kovalainen and that
was it, race over. And a pretty lousy one at that. The flag people had all suddenly
woken up as there appeared to be more flags being waved everywhere than at a UN
convention.
Basically
nothing more happened until the end of the race. Or possibly I did fall asleep
or got sidetracked watching the 4 year old hitting a small replica F1 car with
a stick. Who knows?
So here are the results
from the Monaco Grand Prix 2012:
1.
Webber – it will amuse you (as it did the
husband) to learn that at the start of the race I said "whoever will win this
race, it won’t be Mark Webber".
2.
Nico – hmmm you make sure his car is reliable
don’t you, Mercedes?
3.
Alonso – he just keeps getting brilliant
results and I’m probably more impressed by him this season than any other
season. Currently TOP of the drivers championship.
4.
Vettel – qualified 10th and
finished 4th so proves it can be done at Monaco but still no idea
how.
5.
Hamilton – another missed opportunity…a big
session with the shrink will need to be scheduled before the next race.
6.
Massa – for many people, 6th would
be disappointing but in Felipe’s world it is pretty stunning.
So we got
our SIXTH different winner in six races. How exciting (whatever Jenson Button
might think). It doesn’t take Einstein to work out that the key to winning this
year’s title will probably be consistency. Step forward, Fernando Alonso. Still
I leave Monaco quite disappointed and gutted for what could have been. A race
that promised so much from the thrilling qualifying session can basically be
summarised in 6 words: no rain, traffic jam and dull.
But next up
it is Montreal which is normally total and utter carnage. Last year’s utterly
bonkers race was off the scale in terms of incidents, crashes and drama so I
really, really cannot wait for this one.