Will this be Hamilton's last win for McLaren? |
Well thank god I watched
this race live as according to my Sky Plus, the coverage lasted a mammoth 5
hours and 3 minutes! Obviously I mean the Sky coverage and not the BBC who were
only showing highlights. The penultimate race of the season, the title still
hanging by a knife-edge, the likely conclusion of the constructors’ title
battle and the return of F1 racing on American soil. Yet they chose not to show
this race live but brought us live the televisual feast of the so-boring-I-can’t-even-remember-it
Korean Grand Prix. Go figure. Or maybe the Beeb just lost out to Sky in the race-picking
Russian Roulette. Still I got to bypass David Coulthard’s smug commentary and
Schumacher-bitching for another race so everyone’s a winner.
The stunning climb to turn 1 at the Circuit of the Americas |
And what a humdinger of a
race it was way down in Austin, Texas! Yee-haaaaaaaaaaaah (sorry, I’m not sure
what came over me there). Love love LOVED the brand new track at the Circuit of
the Americas. Was it really truly designed by Herman Tilke? Did someone drop a
few happy pills into his coffee on the day the final plans had to be submitted
to Bernie? It has EVERYTHING! A bit of Silverstone (the
Maggotts-Becketts-Chapel sequence), a bit of Hockenheim, a bit of Istanbul (the
only good bit – Turn Eight), Interlagos (the Senna curve) and most
fantabulously of all – the 1st corner pays homage to the awesome Turn One at the old Österreichring in Austria (or if you
can’t remember that far back, it’s a bit like Eau Rouge). What’s not to love
about a circuit that pays homage to all those tracks. Circuit of the Americas, we
doff our stetsons to you. Actually the 5 year old has decided that he needs one
of those Pirelli stetsons in his life. He has a point. They totally rock.
I had high
hopes for #MartinsGridWalk. Surely in Texas, we could be guaranteed a Random
Celebrity at a Race. Maybe Owen Wilson would grace the race with his customary
urbane and charming presence or Lenny Kravitz would be headlining or (and quite
clearly I was hoping for this more than anything else on Earth) the cast of
Dallas would be there like some kind of Oil Barons Ball reunion in a pitlane. Except
obviously for those who have changed their faces beyond all recognition
(Victoria and Priscilla, why oh why?) who Martin wouldn’t be able to recognise
anyway.
JR and Sue Ellen (ok they weren't at the race but they are Texas!) |
The camera
zoomed in one of the best views (apparently) that Martin had ever seen on a
Formula 1 grid and a huge In-Your-Face grid scoreboard showing us that Alonso
was now starting SEVENTH (on the clean side of the grid) and not 8th
due to the terrible misfortune of the seal on Massa’s gearbox accidentally
getting broken. Massa was demoted 5 places to 11th but he was at
least still on the clean side. Every cloud and all that. Still Felipe this is
what they pay you for…I mean you didn’t really think it was all about your
tremendous racing. Martin got the camera to zoom in on the clean side of the
grid and then the dirty side and they both looked exactly the same. But what do
I know?
Martin inexplicably
decided to interview Vettel’s pitboard girl who was “in the national state of
undress from the looks of it”. Yes, he really said that on live TV. Its like
the 1970s never went away. Martin then had an encounter with the Lovely Tanja (Martin’s
own words) from German TV who propositioned our Martin with an offer to
interview Sebastian Vettel together. You could almost feel the chemistry
fizzing from the TV. Its like Tim and Dawn from The Office in a petrolhead
universe.
Martin and the Lovely Tanja |
As ever
Mark Webber was up for a quick chat. Apparently the track felt pretty greasy,
temperatures would be very important and we would definitely see some twitches
and wobbles on the first few laps (my money’s on you, Mark).
Then Martin
interviewed Eugene Cernan, the last man to walk on the moon. An all-American
hero. Still beats Geri Halliwell at Silverstone. Would Martin ask Eugene if
this was better than the moon. Oh good god, he did. Bless Eugene, he clearly hadn’t
heard of either Vettel or Alonso when asked to choose one driver and ended up
saying “Lotus”. Next up, it was JOEY FROM FRIENDS and Martin was straight in
with a sly “how you doin’?”. Martin is a
Friends fan? Who knew? And even more bizarrely, him and Joey/Matt Le Blanc
appeared to be best buds gassing away about some Moto GP they’d both been to. Still
all power to Matt who commented very knowledgably on Alonso’s ‘Cinderella’ season
but that it was hard to bet against Vettel. You know what Matt, you can come
again. And the old silver fox look is totally working for me as well.
Matt hanging out at Lotus (good man) |
Lewis Hamilton
told us it was going to be difficult and slippery. He also was probably the
ONLY person on the planet unaware of Ferrari’s dastardly scheme to bump Alonso
up the grid. When informed by Martin that Alonso had moved up, Lewis grinned
and said “well good for him” *Applauds Lewis*. Martin asked Lewis what he was
going to do up at the first corner and Lewis said dead-pan “I’ve got Grosjean
behind me so…” Has Hermann been sharing his happy pills around. Everyone was
really feeling the love at the Austin GP.
Martin went
back to find Vettel again who told Martin he’d just out-qualified David. Just
as I thinking who the heck is David…is this Vettel-code for Alonso or Massa, I
then spotted David Coulthard about 5mm away who Martin had clearly barged ahead
of to get the interview. This is how Sky changes you. Your former colleagues
are Dead To You. If I was Christian Horner, I’d have been slightly worried how
Vettel seemed more perturbed at interview etiquette being breached than the
actual title battle. Martin then informed Vettel that DC was ‘not live at the
moment’ (oh get you Martin). Vettel was having none of it and they ended up
interviewing him together. Cringeface. Eventually Vettel told us precisely
nothing of interest. He was starting on the right side and then ‘we will see’.
He didn’t feel much about Alonso moving up and randomly started to speak about
the weather ‘because he is German’. Now hang on here mate. Talking about the
weather is OUR thing. Since when did Germany get in on the act?! This type of
nonsense could cause a diplomatic incident.
Martin and DC - to be reunited next season? |
Martin
trundled down the grid again for a very long time and chatted to Susie Wolff to
kill some time. Then we had to hear the American Anthem being sung by someone
with such intensity that I thought his skull might explode. Martin found Governor
Rick Perry who might be the most American looking person I have EVER seen.
Anyway thanks to Rick for giving me my top F1 anecdote of the season (possibly of
all time). Earlier in the weekend, Rick Perry went up to Christian Horner,
looked at his shirt, and said 'Nice to meet you Pepe.' As in Pepe Jeans... There
are no words to do this justice. It really is a true story!
Rick Perry blending in nicely with the mechanics and cool A-listers |
So the United States grid
lined up as follows:
1.
|
Vettel
|
2.
|
Hamilton
|
3.
|
Webber
|
4.
|
Kimi
|
5.
|
Schumacher (!!)
|
6.
|
Hulkenberg
|
7.
|
ALONSO (!!!)
|
8.
|
Grosjean (uh-oh)
|
9.
|
Maldonado (uh-oh)
|
10.
|
Senna
|
Time For The Start and Go
Go Go…!
And
straight away, Alonso made a BLISTERING START to rocket up to 4th
place. Phew! Can you imagine how horrific it would have been if he had stalled
on the grid or got taken out by Grosjean after Ferrari came up with that
Machiavellian masterstroke of genius proportions (aka Gearbox-gate). Tediously
Mark Webber had overtaken Hamilton and we had the horrific prospect of Red Bull
tearing off into the distance. Remember Sergio Perez? He’s the driver at
McLaren next year although since that announcement he has scored a grand total
of nil points in every single race. Expect to see lots more Martin Whitmarsh
<sad face> next year. What was my point…oh yes, Perez passed Senna. Which
to be fair isn’t very difficult.
Meanwhile
Schumacher after his brilliant P5 in qualifying was going backwards, getting
gobbled up by first the Hulk, then Kimi, Grosjean, Di Resta, Massa and a small
passing pigeon called Jose. For the love of God, how cack is that Mercedes? I
think it might be the worst car that Schumacher has ever driven (its an even
bigger pile of crud than the 1996 Ferrari). I just want it all to end like now.
"What can I say? The car is a bag of shit" |
Remember
how Mark Webber was talking about expecting some wobbles? Sure enough he was
sliding about all over the place and on lap 4, Hamilton made his move and was
up into 2nd place. Not be be outdone on the wobble front was
Grosjean who ended up in a big spin after trying to pass the Hulk and dropped
down 6 places. Hamilton was closing in rapidly on Vettel and lower down in the
dog-eat-dog part of the running order, Button had taken Schumacher. So with
just a few laps of the race gone, Mercedes’ two drivers were running P14 and
P16. How can a car that won a race earlier in the season be THIS bad? What must
Hamilton be thinking? Still, his bad…as he would say himself.
Kimi
executed a beautiful pass on Hulkenberg on lap 13 after some great racing from
the two. Everyone talks about Kimi’s brilliant driving and rightly so but the
Hulk does not get enough plaudits (especially on the Beeb where their man love
for his team-mate, Di Resta, knows no bounds) – I think the Hulk is super talented so there!
Hulkenberg |
Time for
our first retirement and astonishingly it wasn’t an HRT or Schumacher but
instead it was the Toro Rosso of Vergne who got tangled up with both Mercedes
and ended up in the gravel. Schumacher then went into the pits for a new set of
boots. He must have been seriously tempted to switch off the engine and sink a
few beers with the Lovely Tanja and his German buds. Bah to contractual
obligations and all that.
More
chit-chat with Matt Le Blanc: “It's
fantastic that F1 is back in the States. Between this and MotoGP I got all my
bases covered. I met Kimi for
the first time and Lotus have got great pedigree, but my heart lies with Ferrari - my mother would kill me if I
didn't say that."
Matt is possibly
my new favourite person in the entire world.
And MINOR
SENSATION: Mark Webber was out of the race just moments after reporting his
Kers was not working. This had two dramatic consequences: (1) Alonso was now 3rd
in the race and (2) if Webber’s Red Bull conked out then maybe, just maybe Sebastian
Vettel’s Red Bull might develop a problem. Crossing everything, doing raindance
etc. The husband commented the other day that I’m not very impartial. Wouldn’t
a blog be quite boring if I sat on the fence all the time. Honey, its not going
to change so just deal with it (and for the record, I did say that I thought
Schumacher cheated in Adelaide!). So at the front, we had Lewis pushing Vettel;
and Kimi pushing Alonso. The Stuff of Dreams.
Note how it is always Mark's car that goes wrong. Just saying. |
Lap 21 and
pitstops galore. Hamilton in, Alonso in (rubbish pitstop), Vettel in (blink and
miss it stop) and suddenly our three frontrunners were Vettel – Kimi (yet to
stop) – Hamilton. Alonso was unable to hold off Button who suddenly (from
frigging well nowhere) was up near the front. The 5 year was over the moon as
Jenson Button is his New Favourite Driver. Lewis squeezed past Kimi for P2
prompting Kimi to take his pitstop where the commentators waffled on about
Kimi’s clutch for a bit. Jenson Button, living up to the 5 year old’s hype, was
now the fastest man out on track and to my amazement, Ricciardo was in SIXTH
place. How did that happen?
At the
half-way stage, the top runners were 1) Vettel 2) Hamilton 3) Button 4) Alonso
5) Ricciardo and 6) Massa. Button then pitted on lap 37 and rejoined in 7th
place. Shortly after, Schumacher pitted AGAIN from 14th place. Even
our clapped out Tiguan would manage tyres better than that crapheap of a car.
Narain Watch was brought to us on lap 42 (the husband gets quite excited now at
mentions of Narain – it’s a small but personal triumph for my blog!) but alas we
heard that Narain was getting lapped ‘again’.
Then on lap
42, a MAJOR SENSATION: Lewis Hamilton took the lead of the United States Grand
Prix. Much whooping in the House of Power and much whooping (presumably) in the
garages of McLaren, Ferrari and Mercedes (who must be pinning everything on a
Hamilton bounce next year). And Lewis not only passed Vettel but left him for
dead. I just noticed at this point that Lewis had a star & stripes helmet.
Good ol’ Simon Fuller is pushing Brand Hamilton hard across the pond hey. Still
this is a day to admire and heap ridiculous amounts of praise on Lewis, the racing
driver. To my mind, Alonso and Lewis are the two best drivers in F1 today. Discuss
etc.
Lewis embracing the American Dream |
And guess
what, poor little Sebastian wasn’t happy. Straight on the radio ‘waaaaaaaaah,
Lewis overtook me, he got too close’. Er get with the programme Sebastian and
grow up. This is motor-RACING, its not (as you might think) ‘a sport where you
get in the fastest car designed by a genius and win every race never needing to
overtake another car’. Reason #8346 why I want Alonso to win the drivers’ title
this year.
On lap 46
there was a superb overtake by Button on none other than Kimi Raikkonen after
some mouth-watering wheel to wheel racing. And we didn’t hear Kimi whinging on
the radio to his engineers (actually they’d be lucky to get any communications!)
about the huge injustice of someone overtaking him. Alonso was racing out of
his skin, setting fastest laps but Vettel was still a whopping 30 seconds ahead
of him. Button was closing on Massa on 4th place and Vettel was
closing in on Hamilton. Further down, Maldonado overtook Senna in a manner (ie.
aggressive but brilliantly so) to make all the Williams mechanics flinch but
thankfully both cars stayed on track.
Jenson Button (just for the 5 year old!) |
Another
Random Celebrity at a Race with a sighting of Gordon Ramsey in the McLaren
garage. We didn’t see him on the grid did we? Maybe Ron Dennis had him slaving
over a hot stove on the Death Star while they both had a swear-off. It was
tense enough at the front as Vettel had clawed back the gap to 1.8 seconds but
Lewis held on to WIN the inaugural United States GP in Texas and the 21st
win of his career. Vettel’s second place ensured Red Bull won the constructors’
title and Alonso finished 3rd to keep the championship battle alive
going into the final race of the season. And in a further example of the US
GP’s never-ending brilliance, the drivers on the podium wore Pirelli stetsons
before being interviewed by Mario Andretti (it so should have been Matt Le
Blanc!).
No stetson for Martin? I'd have paid money (well 5p) to see that! |
Here
are the results from the United States Grand Prix 2012:
1. Hamilton – Amazing race. Free
from title pressure, Lewis went out there and just had a blast and gave us all
a dazzlingly brilliant win.
2.
Vettel – He knew he didn’t need to win and is still in pole
position come Interlagos.
3.
Alonso – Another display of awesome racecraft
to finish on the podium.
4.
Massa – Hooray for Felipe. A fantastic result
(especially given Gearbox-gate).
5.
Button – Superb drive. Who says this guy
cannot race?!
6.
Kimi – Very creditable sixth.
And now
folks, the end is near. It is time for the final showdown in Brazil on Sunday.
Vettel leads the drivers championship by 13 points. Prepare yourselves for
endless ‘title’ maths to blow your minds and lots of shots of Weather Monitors
of Doom (for in Brazil it sometimes RAINS!).
Senna after winning the 1991 Brazilian GP |
This could
quite possibly be the biggest race in years:
· Its time to
say goodbye to Jake – I’m already feeling a mounting sense of panic at what
‘hilarious’ sketches and montages we will have to sit through for Jake’s send
off.
· The
possible last race for HRT (they are in serious financial trouble) and
heart-stoppingly, the very real prospect that this could be Narain’s last race.
· Its Perez’s
final race for Sauber which will evoke emotions of relief and utter panic in
equal measure for Sauber and McLaren.
· Its Hamilton’s
final race for McLaren before he disappears into the black hole abyss of Mercedes.
· The world
of F1 (except for Damon Hill, Jacques Villeneuve, Rubens etc etc) will say an
emotional final farewell to Michael Schumacher. I know we’ve been here before
but I’m almost welling up already.
· And if all that wasn’t enough, we will finally
have The Big Reveal of who will be crowned F1 World Champion for 2012 out of Sebastian
Vettel or Fernando Alonso…
I’m not
sure my nervous system will cope but I’ll be blogging away like a loon anyway!
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