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| Alonso racing in Bahrain (by the 4 year old) |
Well despite
the collective might of the Bahraini protestors, Ed Miliband, Yvette Cooper and
George Galloway (oh and 17 MPs), the Bahrain GP did actually take place. Time
for George to move on and find another cause célèbre to vent his spleen on. Oh
here’s an idea, maybe he could just focus some of his energy on his new
constituency of Bradford West, a by-election victory modestly described by
George as “the most sensational victory in British political history. Although
admittedly this statement was made by the same man who pretended to be a cat on
Celebrity Big Brother. I need say no more. I thought Martin Brundle as ever
summarised the issues very succinctly at the start of the race. His two abiding
emotions were confusion that he couldn’t reconcile the images of violence that
we all were seeing on TV going on in Bahrain and his personal impressions of
the country. And also sadness for F1 as this weekend just had not worked. He
pointed out that there had been cricket and golf tournaments taking place in
Bahrain on preceding weekends and no one hadn’t given a monkey’s. Quite.
Right that’s
the boring political stuff over and so back to race-blogging. In a round-up of
news since qualifying, the 4 year old received the further devastating news
that Schumacher was now starting from 22nd having changed his gear
box overnight. More plaintive cries of “why does Schumacher never win?”. At
this rate, I might have to buy him a boxset of F1 in the 90s and early 00s
where he can watch Schuey cruising to endless victories lapping everyone else
in the field 72 times whilst having time to have a quick picnic lunch and
rejoin in the lead.
Ho hum, I’m
perusing my notes (helpfully scribbled all over by the 1 year old) of the
several hours of build up on Sky and most of it was deathly dull to be honest.
Simon Lazenby is a bit like a Dementor – he just sucks the life and excitement
out of every race. We had Natalie Pinkham interviewing Bruno Senna in an acid
bright t-shirt and khaki hotpants (Natalie, not Bruno). All very on trend and
maybe that is simply the point of Natalie. We’re not actually meant to take her
seriously are we? Anyway who knows as my brain temporarily turned to mush
during the interview with poor Bruno. We were told that a sandstorm might be on
the way. Time to power up the Sand Monitor of Doom – surely McLaren with their
endless freight containers of technological equipment would have such a
thing…!?
Next up,
Martin Brundle and Michael Schumacher were doing the Track Guide. Not quite
sure why they were sitting back to back (maybe someone can enlighten me?) but
Schuey was straight in with a ‘joke’ about how they were like a grandfather
talking to a grandmother. Bless. Its amazing to think that 20 years ago they
were both team-mates (sometimes I feel very old) before the days when
Schumacher was All Powerful and would veto potential team-mates. Brundle said
drivers really had to multi-task to assimilate all the details and information
in just negotiating one corner and they both agreed that women were brilliant
multi-taskers. I wonder if Brundle and Schuey once came back from an overseas
race with a poxy fridge magnet for Mrs Brundle and Mrs Schumacher and they’re
still frantically trying to make for it. Yes, there is a story there and it’s a
sad one. You could tell Martin really enjoyed talking about the track with
Schuey and even Damon (presumably with a gun held to his head) managed to say
the Mercedes team owed a lot to Michael.
Bit of Sky
filler (including the first Christian Horner interview – many more to follow –
of the afternoon) and it was time for the Martin Brundle Gridwalk™. He told us
that Kimi had dozens of new tyres to play with and would be One to Watch. He
had a quick chat with Paul Di Resta and commented on his very impressive
achievement of missing the second practice session and still managing to
qualify in 10th place. Maybe the 2012 season is going to be all
about the tyres. Come Monaco, no one will bother with practice and will just
rock up on qualifying day with dozens of sets of shiny, new tyres causing Jean
Todt to spontaneously combust. As if to echo my (barking mad) thoughts, Ross
Brawn confirmed it would be a multi-stop race and ‘tyre degradation’ would be
critical. Its safe to say that tyre degradation was the buzzword(s) of the
Bahrain Grand Prix. Everyone was banging on about it ad infinitum and, to be
honest, ad nauseum.
Then Martin
spotted that there was Something Different on the Red Bull car. He couldn’t
actually tell us what it was as the back of the car was being guarded by Red
Bull mechanics. How 2010 and indeed how 2011. What utterly brilliant and
ingenuous little device has Adrian Newey dreamt up now? Or as the husband
called him (in a moment of rare wit for the husband a Sunday), the
Master of the Dark Arts. Martin interrogated someone called ‘Peddles’ from Red
Bull who said they might have changed something but we would need to go back to
last week’s coverage and work out what’s different. What a tease this Peddles
is! Its probably something to do with a diffuser that all the other teams
(Lotus, Mercedes) will complain about. Sadly for the second race in a row there
was no Random Celebrity at a Race (not even a glimpse of
never-knowingly-overdressed Nicole Scherzinger sashaying through the paddock).
I’m sure normal service will be resumed in Barcelona not to mention Monaco
which will be fit to bursting with minor Royals, stellar heavyweight celebs (J
Lo, George Clooney etc) and z-listers like Geri Halliwell. Rest assured, I’ll
be in full rant mode about their petrolhead credentials come that race weekend.
Apparently
not since 2003, has there been 4 different winners in the first 4 races. Who
won the title in 2003? Michael Schumacher just as he had the previous 3 years
so lets not get too excited shall we? Anyway its Go! Go! Go! In Bahrain. Vettel
zoomed off into the lead and both Rosberg and Button had diabolical starts. But
then Button always has rubbish starts (maybe he needs a Race Start Strategy Guy
of his own – hopefully Martin Whitmarsh is on the case). Grosjean propelled
himself into 4th place and Alonso was just behind him in 5th.
All the cars seemed to get make it round the Difficult First Corner, even the
HRTs.
Suddenly OUT
(we were told) was Petrov who appeared to have no wheel. Although this turned
out to be Kovalainen but I missed the bit where they corrected themselves so
spent most of the race totally confused about the fortunes of the Caterham
drivers. In the nicest possible way it didn’t really impair my enjoyment of the
race. On lap 3 in a utterly shocking development, Massa did a great move to get
past Kimi of all people for 7th place. As Brundle said, he’s driving
like a man possessed. Wouldn’t you if you faced the sack every week or maybe
he’s trying to make sure when he does get sacked, another team does actually
want to hire him. Poor Felipe, he’s too kind a soul really for the grim
dog-eat-dog world of Ferrari. By lap 5, Kimi had bludgeoned his way past Massa
again and Grosjean was absolutely flying. First he overtook Webber and then
much more impressively he did a brilliant move to squeeze past Lewis Hamilton
on lap 7. Poor old Lewis. When is it all going to go right (clue – it goes a
lot more wrong before the end). There was a mention of Daniel Ricciardo and I
suddenly realised I had forgotten about all about him. From 6th on
the grid to 17th. That’ll take some explaining.
Already by
lap 8, Button was on the radio reporting problems with his tyres and the first
round of pitstops kicked off. Gre-a-t. Blogs are hard enough to write without
everyone starting to pit from lap 8. The 4 year old suddenly piped up “Alonso’s
tyres are going off too and can you write that down”. So there you have it, my
child can’t read anything more complex than ‘Mum went shopping’…‘Dad got cross’
(or is that real life?) but is able to opine accurately on tyre degradation.
Sure enough Alonso went hurtling off into the pits. Hamilton also came into the
pits and there was a Mini-Disaster as the left rear wheel-nut got stuck and
both Alonso and Webber leap-frogged him out of the pits. There was a massive
tussle between Lewis and Rosberg for position (its fair to say both are
‘uncompromising’ drivers) where IMHO Rosberg forced Lewis wide. Anyway Lewis
edged back in front and radioed into the team to ask “what happened”. A very
calm voice replied there was a long way to go. Not that they were fearing a
Lewis meltdown but the person on the other end did sound a bit like a trained
counsellor. We were told that Rosberg and Lewis were ‘under investigation’ for
that incident. Rosberg started protesting it wasn’t his fault. Er, the camera
doesn’t lie, Nico.
Lap 13 and we
were told that Di Resta was leading (ok briefly). There was so much overtaking
going on all over the track just like at the last race. Button passed Alonso in
a cool Button-esque move, Kimi took Webber and the learned commentators
remarked this was a very unusual place to overtake. As if normal racing rules
apply in the world of Kimi Raikkonen! Then Hamilton passed Alonso for 8th
place and given Lewis and Fernando aren’t exactly best buds ever since their “I
hate my McLaren team-mate” season (a modern variant of the Prost-Senna “I hate
my McLaren team-mate” season) that must have cheered Lewis up a tiny bit.
So time to
take stock on lap 16 – the frontrunners were 1. Vettel, 2. Grosjean, 3. Kimi,
4. Webber, 5. Button and 6. Lewis. Michael Schumacher was in 13th
place having started 22nd – but there were a lot of good cars and
drivers ahead of him (having scythed through the dross) so it was hard to see
him picking up too many points. Poor Schumi. Radio McLaren contacted Lewis to
say they were switching to Plan B. Tannoy alert for Ted to find out what Plan B
was (I’m heavily resisting any music related ‘jokes’). Meanwhile Vettel was out
there in the lead doing what he does best, ie. driving a car with an
‘innovative’ secret device that gives him a massive advantage. Not saying
anything but this car was the same car that being guarded in the pitlane. I
wouldn’t have been surprised to have seen Ross Brawn and Martin Whitmarsh
filling up Complaint Forms at their respective track-side desks with all the
monitors. Although they probably have minions to do those kind of things.
Meanwhile
finally after being all over the back of Grosjean’s car for a few laps, Kimi
got in front of him on lap 25. Time for another round of pitstops. In went
Lewis and there was ANOTHER Mini-Disaster with the left rear wheel-nut. I’m
guessing his radio-feed would be fairly unprintable. Martin Whitmarsh might
actually need to shout at some people. Just like Ron Dennis would have. Good
old Ron – what a (non ray) of sunshine he was but its fair to say this sort of
thing wouldn’t have kept happening on his watch.
There was
some brilliant hammer and tongs racing between Alonso and Rosberg which led to
some very aggressive driving from Rosberg to keep Alonso behind including his
new specialty of forcing a driver off the track. We had some classic
fist-shaking from Alonso and a further announcement that Rosberg’s and Alonso’s
cars were being investigated. Two investigations have been opened and one
driver features in both. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that
Nico might be in a spot of bother. All this palaver for 8th place –
still 4 points is 4 points I guess. If this had been Schumacher forcing drivers
off the track, there would have been general condemnation and blood-letting but
as it was baby-faced Nico, the commentators didn’t seem too bothered. Just
saying.
So the
half-way point roll call read: 1. Vettel, 2. Kimi, 3. Grosjean, 4. Di Resta, 5.
Webber, 6. Button. However, Kimi was really catching Vettel – there might be a
danger that Vettel might actually have to race someone for his lead and it
would be a lunatic in a Lotus to boot. How marvellous! It was quickly time for
a Williams Retirement™. Maldonaldo’s car appeared to blow up (ok he got a
puncture but there was a lot of spinning and smoke) and that was the end of his
race. Webber managed to pass Di Resta for his favoured fourth place but we
didn’t really care as Kimi was now RIGHT BEHIND the Red Bull of Vettel. Brundle
started waxing lyrically about seeing Kimi sauntering down the pitlane without
a care in the world before the race. Maybe Kimi is the new James Hunt. I like
him way more now than in his McLaren and Ferrari era. I’m so fickle. On lap 36,
Kimi had a long look down the inside of Vettel but didn’t quite manage to pass
the Red Bull. Non-Turning Point Alert.
Time for yet
more pitstops and this time McLaren didn’t manage to stuff it up but the damage
was already done as Lewis was languishing in 10th place or as the 4
year old said the mechanics were ‘silly poo-poo heads’. Lap 40 and Vettel and
Kimi pitted AT THE SAME TIME but Vettel stayed in the lead. Red Bull called the
shots there and really Lotus should have bought in Kimi a lap or two earlier.
Vettel then just started tediously pulling away. Oh buggeroo – we wanted a
wheel to wheel Grandstand Finish and it didn’t look we were going to get one.
At this
point, the commentators suddenly said ‘if you’re joining us after the 4-4
thriller from Old Trafford…’ and in one fell swoop sent the husband into a huge
depression as this meant his football team now only had a 3 point lead at The
Top of the Premiership. How cruel can life be? Imagine his misery if he was a
supporter of Portsmouth or Wolves. Of course, as he tells me on many many
occasions, he too has known dark times when his team didn’t win something for
one year in the 1970s.
Back to lap
52 of the Bahrain GP and Nico managed to muscle past Di Resta. It might be
worth, Paul, complaining loudly on your team radio, that you were pushed off
the track by Nico – not saying this actually happened but it would be
highly believable. In a supreme moment of Murrayness, just after Radio McLaren
told Button he was doing a great job and there were places to be had, he came
in for a 4th pitstop with a left rear puncture. What is the deal
with McLaren and left rear wheels! He rejoined only to have his car start
making some really bad noises and he was forced to retire. What a stinker of a
weekend for McLaren. Ron, come back soon, your old team needs you!
And so to the
chequered flag where Vettel won his first race of the season. Cue the Vettel
raised finger of victory. That finger really bugs me.
So here are
the results from the Bahrain Grand Prix 2012:
1. Vettel – Led from start
to finish just like old times. Yawn.
2. Raikkonen – All hail,
Kimi. Its great to have you back!
3. Grosjean – Great
racecraft and he has improved as a driver beyond all belief.
4. Webber – His fourth 4th
place in 4 races. Says it all.
5. Rosberg – Subsequently
cleared by the stewards and this was Alonso’s response on Twitter: I think
you are going to have fun in future races! You can defend position as you want
and you can overtake outside the track! Enjoy! ;)))
6.
Di Resta – Fantastic job by driver and team.
Quick mention
for the most cringeworthy moment of the entire Sky coverage – when Natalie
Pinkham asked Kimi after the race if he was going to have a celebratory
ice-cream. The look on Kimi’s face was priceless. We’re four races in now and
Sky just isn’t doing it for me with the exception of Martin Brundle. Even the
commentary this week was riddled with mistakes and Croft needs to STOP SHOUTING
ALL THE TIME. I miss the relaxed, friendly banter of the Beeb team who actually
look like they have fun at races. The Sky team in comparison are wooden,
awkward and have zero charisma. There was a great moment when Jake and DC
bumped into Martin after the race – http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/formula1/17808455.
“He’s still working in television apparently”. Love it.
Next
up, the Circuit de Catalunya. I’m a huge fan of Barcelona as a city but the
races there are normally a massive snoozefest. I’m praying for rain. Will we
have a 5th different winner in 5 races? We shall have to see. Til
then, adios!
