Mid-Term Report for the Class of 2013

Next weekend sees the return of the F1 roadshow for the second and deciding half of the season. Maybe its just me but I’ve found the rhythm of this season very disjointed. Partly its all these random 3 week gaps that they keep chucking into the calendar. 3 week gaps are totally understandable when jumping from the Argentinian GP to the Nürburgring (showing my age) but somewhat unfathomable when they are between the German GP and the Hungarian GP. The reasons are no doubt convoluted but ultimately something to do with £££.

And now we’ve all had to endure a four week break which has seemed like a freaking eternity. I get that drivers need downtime and all the teams need quality family time but everyone has their limit of how much Mister Maker they can withstand before they are found weeping and rocking themselves in a corner. I need a Grand Prix to watch and badly. I remember seeing an interview with Rocky (Vettel’s engineer) who said his three young children weren’t remotely interested in his job and that was how he relaxed. Well I bet after four weeks of Mr Tumble and non-stop fights over Absolutely Everything Under The Sun (or maybe its just my children), Rocky has his bag packed for Spa already. Its only through the perfect alignment of one child having a nap (after exhausting herself with an hour long tantrum because we weren’t having pasta for lunch) and the miraculous discovery of a Roald Dahl film on the Sky + box in our holiday cottage that I’ve even had the chance to dust off the old blogging shoes!

*smack*

11 races done. 9 races to go. And 3 of those 9 races will be so death-defyingly dull that I will only be able to keep myself awake by mainlining coffee while ranting about the pointlessness of the Korean GP on Twitter. Unless of course Anyone But Vettel is winning in which case the race might be vaguely salvaged. But in that mix of remaining races we have the utterly glorious and phenomenal Belgian Grand Prix at the greatest track in the world followed by fast and furious Monza before ending off the reason with a return to the Circuit of The Americas (which put on such a blinding inaugural race last year) and the final showdown at Interlagos. That’ll do me nicely!

But before we gear up for Spa, lets look at how the class of 2013 is getting on so far…first up in this blog I’ll run my beady teacher eye over Red Bull, Ferrari, McLaren, Lotus and Mercedes.

Red Bull

Vettel: The 38 point lead speaks volumes. The Red Bull was much faster off the blocks this season compared to last year and Vettel has duly won 4 of the 10 races so far with an additional 3 podiums. Once again he has delivered brilliantly for his masters (despite the multi-21 naughtiness at the Malaysian GP). Grade awarded: A+

Webber: Poor old Mark. Saddled with the team-mate from hell and bosses who barely remember his existence. Not all his fault but 3 podiums are scant return from a car as superior as the Red Bull. Grade awarded: B

Ferrari

Alonso: Another driver who has barely put a wheel wrong but unlike Seb he is stuck in a deeply unimpressive Ferrari. I’m actually amazed to remind myself he has got 2 wins and 3 podiums. The last two races were considered to be total disasters by the world at large but he actually came home in 4^th and 5^th. Hardly abysmal but certainly not title-winning form hence the blood-letting at Ferrari (and they are so very good at blood-letting – see Pre-Schumacher Years). Grade awarded: A-

Massa: Oh dear. One podium in ten races is shocking. Granted the car is uncompetitive and he has had poor reliability but still. Grade awarded: C-

McLaren

Button: Remember all those jokes and comments about Hamilton destroying his career by leaving McLaren for Mercedes. Ouch. Could anyone have really expected the McLaren to be THIS bad? What has happened? Button hasn’t even come within a sniff of a podium and has not seemed to be enjoying it all this season. Overall he has done better than his team-mate but they both must be hoping for a gargantuan leap in car performance come the second half of the season. Grade awarded: B-

Perez: Admittedly stuck in a rubbish McLaren it has been a big ask for him to show the flashes of potential and flair we saw last year. After a very shaky start he seemed to find his mojo in Monaco of all places where he drove like a demon enough for Kimi to declare he should be punched in the face. Praise of sorts in a way. The jury is still out. Grade awarded: C+

Lotus

Raikkonen: After his sensational comeback the million dollar question was whether he could blow everyone away again. In a way he has in terms of consistency and his freakish ability to master the tyres better than anyone else. Just the 1 win in the opening race of the season but has notched up a mighty five 2^nd places since then and lies 2^nd in the championship. He has now broken Schumacher’s record of consecutive points finishes to boot. Lotus will be lucky to hang on to him for next season. Grade awarded: A

Grosjean: Two podium finishes (two more than Button and one more than Massa) and a never-ending stream of grid penalties, drive through penalties and time penalties (not all deserved). However, the last two races have seen a resurgence in form so much so Lotus have had to implement team orders. Grade awarded: B

Mercedes

Rosberg: Remember when Mercedes were rubbish. Well they aren’t any more. Many (but certainly not everyone) predicted that Nico would be left for dead by his new superstar team-mate, Lewis Hamilton. Boo sucks to them. Nico has had an excellent season in a car that is by no means the real deal yet. Two wins although some slightly erratic form in other races. Grade awarded: A-

Hamilton: New season, new car but Lewis is as volatile, mercurial and fast as ever. But hey who wants a dull driver? Certainly not Mercedes. Lewis has racked up 1 win, 3 podiums and only in one race (Spain) has he finished outside the top 5. For all the gnomic outpourings on Twitter, Lewis is doing the business at Mercedes and is an impressive 4^th in the championship. Should Mercedes nail the issue with the tyres, Lewis could make the championship very interesting. Grade awarded: A-

So all hail the class swot, Sebastian Vettel. Next time round, a cold, hard look at the dunces in the class!

Will it be 4 titles?

Hungarian Grand Prix – The Race

This one is for Nicole...Nicole are you here...Nicole...papa...wibble

Previously on F1, Lewis Hamilton got pole and Sebastian Vettel won the race. So naturally my heart did not leap with joy to see Vettel starting on the front row of the grid alongside Lewis Hamilton who had plonked the Mercedes on pole yet again. Even Lewis said it would be a miracle if he won but Hungary has a habit of being unpredictable. And we like unpredictable races, mainly because that generally means that Anyone But Vettel wins (which sadly doesn’t happen very often).

Anyway fast-forwarding wildly on to #MartinsGridWalk and yep as we had been forewarned several thousand times it really looked like a scorcher out in Budapest. First up a quick chat with Sutil (well eventually) who brought to us the jawdropping news that it will be a long race. And a hot race. Challenging. Cars have dry ice on them. Yadda yadda. Cool sunglasses though!

Martin had a special little gadget thing which told us the track temperature was 48 degrees. This is somewhere around the most oppressive heat that I’ve ever encountered in all my life which was in Alice Springs. What a hell-hole of a place for all sorts of reasons but mainly the heat and the flies. Maybe an ice-pack vest makes all the difference.

Hell on earth

Jenson told us its hot but hey we’re in Hungary and it should be good fun and strategy should be interesting. Martin asked what are you doing with tyres? Jenson – I forgot to ask! He’s too cool for school that guy.

Martin spoke to someone called Sam Worthington who I’ve never even heard of. He is an actor apparently and he is Australian. Surprising lack of recognition given my encyclopediac knowledge of actors from Neighbours. Just IMDb’ed him and he’s been in Avatar, Terminator Salvation, Clash of the Titans etc. I’ll stick to Neighbours thanks.

A quick but hugely insightful chat with the Master of the Dark Arts himself, Adrian Newey who told us in agonised tones the cars are right on the limit of what they designed cars for. Everything is on the edge. The start isn’t the problem but its what happens when temperatures build, eg. long pitstops can cause problems. Its fair to say Adrian obsesses a lot about actual problems, potential problems, even totally unlikely problems. I’m intrigued at what Adrian will do in the F1 summer break – surely he doesn’t go on an actual holiday. He might actually short-circuit with boredom in a French market somewhere. I love Adrian really but just wish he’d stop working for Red Bull!

Adrian - to be fair it probably beats a French market

Final word was inevitably with Bernie Ecclestone who Martin instantly annoyed by referring to him ‘cutting a deal’ with the Hungarian GP organisers to hold races there for the next few years. Bernie preferred the term ‘made an arrangement’. The latter sounds more sinister if you ask me but no one is asking me so lets leave it there.

Time For the Start (and the lights sensibly went out very quickly given the cars were about to spontaneously combust) and Go Go Go...! A VERY sluggish start from Vettel but somehow he clung onto second. Oh yay. Replays showed some very aggressive driving from Vettel to keep Grosjean behind him and in my book it was almost weaving but being the sainted Vettel we will not hear a word of criticism. Rosberg was mounting a challenge on Grosjean but had the two Ferraris all over him and Nico under pressure went wide. Then as he rejoined the track, he was hit by Massa, sustained some damage and starting sliding back down the field.

A mental start to the Hungarian GP

So the very early front order was shaking out as Hamilton, Vettel, Grosjean, Alonso, Massa and Kimi. Alonso’s declared aim for the race was to finish ahead of Vettel. Good luck with that one Fernando. By lap 6, Grosjean was catching Vettel who was starting to really struggle with the tyres. Also having a mare (actually way more of a mare) was Rosberg who was all over the track before locking up and flat-spotting his tyres. We heard that Massa had lost his end-plate. Of course he had. Its almost back to Ferrari Disaster Days.

On lap 10, the race leader, Hamilton came into the pits and he slotted back into the field inconveniently behind Jenson Button who was on the same compound tyre (as Crofty told us in dramatic fashion but…er…the McLaren and Mercedes aren’t really competing in the same league so whatever). On lap 12, Vettel pitted and he came out behind Hamilton AND Button. Small rejoicing in Power Towers. Crumbs of comfort and all that. Then it was the turn of Alonso to pit so we had now a Lotus 1-2 running order up front. Meanwhile Vettel could not get past Button who was defending absolutely brilliantly (god bless you Jenson) and Grosjean was joining the fray behind them. Webber was now leading the race and had yet to stop.

Vettel was told over the radio that he needed to drop back to cool the car and he asked the team to check his front wing which he had clattered in a failed attempt to pass Button. Grosjean was all over the back of Seb’s car but was unable to make a move stick. As I remarked to the husband I just don’t think he has the cojones to take Vettel. Button was told ‘we are in the window’. So two-stopper then. We heard Adrian Sutil was out due to a hydraulic leak. Poor Adrian who was having a decent race – his luck has been terrible this season. Pretty much ‘bad luck Johnny’ proportions. The old farts will get that reference.

Johnny on a good luck day!

Kimi had now set the fastest lap of the race. Presumably he had just received confirmation that some money had just been transferred into his bank account! There was now a very nice gap building up between Hamilton and Vettel. A fierce battle for 3^rd was in full swing between Button, Vettel, Grosjean and Alonso. It was fair to say that Button was changing the race fortunes of quite a few drivers.

Ker-ching!!

The race-leader, Webber finally pitted after 23 laps – an impressively long first stint. Presumably he now thinks the car was less a crock of shite than he did yesterday. That post-qualifying interview was simply brilliant and Ferrari think they have problems with Alonso’s attitude!

Finally after 13 long laps, Vettel passed Button on lap 24 and suddenly he was taken by Grosjean and Alonso too. He sustained wing damage from the ****ing Lotus (JB’s words). Its fair to say Button was not happy with Grosjean. Again. In came Grosjean to the pits and brilliantly he rejoined just ahead of….Jenson Button. Grosjean put a fabulous move on Massa (hmmmm but he didn’t manage to do it on Vettel did he?). My 6 year old has told me to put in my blog that ‘Grosjean was a little bit cheating because he went on the grass’. You’d never think his favourite driver was Michael Schumacher would you? I need to toughen him up some more!

Gratuitous Schuey photo!

On lap 32, Hamilton pitted after a 21 lap stint (tyres on a Mercedes car not falling off a cliff shocker – who knew?) and he took Webber on the outside two laps later for 3^rd place. Vettel and Alonso went into pits together and Vettel came out behind Button. Again. He must be sick to death of the sight of the McLaren exhaust.

Remember that ‘fabulous move’ by Grosjean on Massa. Turned out he was given a drive through penalty for leaving the race track. Did the 6 year old complain to the race stewards? Well in my opinion that was extremely harsh and unwarranted. Yes, he’s had some very rash moments (for which by and large he has been penalised) but I think drivers are exploiting his ‘careless driver’ reputation. Most drivers leave the track at that point and no one gives a toss.

Just when I was wondering when the wheels were going to come off Hamilton’s Mercedes (well not literally – actually yeah maybe literally thinking back to the British Grand Prix), he set a new fastest lap and was two seconds clear of Mark Webber. Vettel was gaining on Kimi now in 3^rd place by a second a lap. Just Stop It Now. Kimi darted into the pits on lap 43 for his second (and final) set of tyres. If anyone can make them last Kimi can.

Does anyone recognise this man?

Anyone remember Valtteri Bottas? Shortish guy from Finland? Drives for Williams? He pulled over on lap 45 in a slightly inconvenient spot (ie. the start-finish straight!) but luckily no safety car which-would-play-into-Vettel’s-hands was needed. Grosjean had a very slow stop and was back into the path of Button. What is it with those two?!

Hamilton came in for his final pitstop on lap 51 and had an entertaining little skirmish with Webber for P2 but executed a brilliant move to re-take second place. So with just 15 laps to go, Hamilton was 7.4 seconds behind Vettel but the Red Bull had yet to stop again.

On lap 55, Vettel pitted from the lead – Moment of Truth Time. Lewis Hamilton was now leading the race. The Mercedes team radio asked him could he move to a different setting? "Hey man I'm trying to drive here. I'm happy with the way the car is." Don’t vex the man who is about to win his FIRST race for you. Surely you know how fragile he is.

There were thousands of Finns in Hungary to support Kimi.

Kimi and Vettel were now engaged in a big fight for 2^nd place. Less than a second between them. Webber was on the charge but still a good few seconds behind Vettel. Dammit – before the end of the season I really want to see a good old ding-dong battle between Mark and Seb for position, preferably in a title-deciding race for Seb <maniacal evil laugh>

Rosberg was out of the race – his engine just blew up emitting gallons of smoke. The 6 year old was very concerned as to be fair were probably all of Lewis Hamilton’s race team. Still good news (and there’s been precious little of that all season) for Maldonado who now had moved into the points.

Webber received a radio message of ‘fail 22 fail’. Hey? Cor they love their secret codes at Red Bull don’t they. Christian Horner as the new James Bond anyone? The 6 year who is currrently obsessed with secret codes wrote this down in his book. It is possible it might be incorporated into a story at some stage in Year 2.

The name's...

With two laps to go, Vettel had a good luck and tried a move around the outside of Kimi who was having none of it. What an awesome defensive driving display! Vettel wasted no time in whinging over the radio that Kimi didn’t give him enough room. Duh – how outrageous of the driver who is IN FRONT OF YOU not to yield and immediately give you track position. Like the pandering limpets they are (to Vettel anyway – obviously Mark can go hang) they promised to “get onto Charlie”. Get. A. Grip.

Final lap for Hamilton on the verge of a stunning first win for Mercedes. Meanwhile Kimi was giving EVERYTHING to keep Vettel back behind him right to the bitter end. And Lewis Hamilton crossed the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix.

Lewis winning the Hungarian GP

Around the same time in a commentary box overlooking the Hungaroring, David Croft exploded into a million pieces. Here are the results from the Hungarian Grand Prix 2013:

Crofty and Brundle, a pretty good double act (actually I'm being serious!)

1. Hamilton – Brilliant drive from start to finish and some phenomenal racecraft to take his maiden win for Mercedes. Wow he really likes Hungary – 4 wins in 7 races. Taking nothing away from Lewis, I’m not sure it was the greatest passing ever seen in the history of the sport but we all know that Niki Lauda is prone to moments of hyperbole!


2. Kimi – An amazing result to hang onto 2^nd in the face of unrelenting pressure from Vettel. Very few other drivers in the current field could have managed the same feat.


3. Vettel – Gave his all and when he looks at the latest championship standings he’ll be pretty pleased with life. Bah.


4. Webber – Considering the qualifying disaster, a very good result.


5. Alonso – You cannot level any criticism at Fernando for another tenacious drive but really 5^th might as well be nowhere.


6. Grosjean – An eventful race but a good result given the time lost for various penalties.

So we are half-way through the season. How did that happen? I never thought I’d say it but I am hugely grateful to Mercedes injecting some excitement into the season – all the more remarkable because it was so unexpected after last year’s dismal end for the Silver Arrows. Lets just thank the lord that some others drivers like Rosberg and Hamilton are taking some race wins and partly putting the brakes on the Red Bull Juggernaut that otherwise would be rocketing off into the distance to Fourth Title Glory. It will be fascinating to see if Mercedes can maintain their upwards trajectory in the 2^nd half of the season – if they have finally nailed their tyres problem (and given they coped with 50°c heat in Hungary that would appear to be the case) then they could really chuck a curveball yet in the 2013 championship.

Happier times (a long time ago!)

Since the race all hell has been breaking loose! Sure it’s the Silly Season where all sorts of daft rumours usually fly around especially with now races to write about but one thing’s for sure – all is NOT well at Maranello. Alonso has finally spat out his dummy with yet another season of trying to make an under-performing Ferrari compete with Red Bull. And can you blame him. Apparently Di Montezemolo provided each engineer during a meeting on Monday with a knife, along with an invitation to put it between their teeth when thinking how to tackle the second half of the season. Its an interesting motivational tool although you might think slightly risky in a workplace where tensions are running pretty high. I’ve worked in places where knives would have been a really bad idea! Alonso has been duly slapped down and was told that “all the great champions who have driven for Ferrari have always been asked to put the interests of the team above their own”. Er like Prost who famously called his Ferrari a truck. Athough he was sacked shortly afterwards. Ferrari would do well to remember that Alonso dragged last year’s diabolical car almost single-handedly into contention for the championship and but for Vettel’s bizarrely indestructible Red Bull (that kept going despite crashes and spins), he should have clinched the title for Ferrari in Brazil. The point that he fails to grasp is that Alonso has just turned 32 and the clock is ticking on the remaining years left that he has to win more titles. The last Ferrari World Champion was Kimi Raikkonen. A veritable lifetime ago. And lest we forget, Di Montezemolo booted him out in 2009 and paid him NOT to race for Ferrari in 2010.

The last Ferrari world champion.

So we have rumours linking Alonso to Red Bull, Kimi to Red Bull, Kimi to Ferrari (really?), Ricciardo to everyone. Where will it all end?

Hostilities will resume at Spa-Francorchamps in a few weeks time.

Bring it on!

German Grand Prix – The Race (only joking!)

No prizes for guessing who won in Germany!

Long time no blogging. And a bit like running (something that has also ground to a total halt – awaits husband to insert joke about there being no difference to my usual speed) the longer you leave it the harder it is to get going again. It has been an insanely busy time. I have moved house, been to a hen do, been a bridesmaid, helped organise lots of end of year school stuff, organised a 6 year old’s birthday party and vaguely remembered to feed the kids on the odd day. Or perhaps my multi-tasking skills are disintegrating and I have no real excuse. All bloggers are busy people but anyway I’m back!

Welcome to my world around 95% of the time!

So finally after a season and a half of blogging, I missed a race in its entirety, consequently failed to blog about the German Grand Prix but hey the earth is still turning on its axis. I finally scrubbed out the recorded highlights from Sky planner a couple of days ago after realising I wasn’t going to get any say over TV watching for the next six weeks given the obstacles of (1) the 2 year old’s obsession with cBeebies (2) the fact the 6 year old is now off from school for 6 weeks and (3) the husband’s obsession with cricket and someone called Joe Root. Nonetheless to appease my ridiculous obsession with order, I shall whack out a quick blog to insert in the filing space between ‘The British Grand Prix’ and ‘The Hungarian Grand Prix’. But I will definitely be blogging about the upcoming Hungarian Grand Prix. She says temporarily blocking out the afore-mentioned summer holidays.

So what went down in Germany? Apparently it was a gripping Grand Prix despite the fact that Vettel won after pretty much leading from start to finish. I have my doubts. Admittedly he won by only a second over Kimi Raikkonen. It appears that Grosjean was reminded with 5 laps to go (when lying second) that Kimi was the number one faster driver but a double podium for Lotus definitely marks a return to form. I’m personally not bothered in the slightest about Kimi getting the nod but interestingly the press aren’t frothing at the mouth about these blatant team orders as they were with other teams earlier in the season.

Anyway barring biblical thunderbolts and flying pigs, it is hard to see anyone but vettel (and sadly Anyone But Vettel is my preferred winner in all races) winning this year’s championship. Only once before in his previous title-winning seasons was he leading the title race at this stage. In terms of season finishes, he is the Man Utd of F1.  So that’s all heartening stuff then!

Sometimes there are no words even for a triple world champion!

So what of Alonso? Well he came home in 4^th in Germany and I am guessing (as is generally the case with Fernando) that constitutes the optimum result from his car but 4^th places aren’t going to win you titles. All in all it’s a desperately disappointing season so far for Ferrari who were hoping to be at least neck and neck in the championship race with Vettel. And yet again Massa crashed out of a race making that 5 crashes over the last four race weekends. Surely Felipe cannot survive another lacklustre season. It feels like he has been at Ferrari for a billion years. Surely it has to be time for some fresh blood at Maranello?

MacLaren had better fortunes than of late with Button finishing 6^th and Perez in 8^th but still these are Dark Times for the team from Woking.

Even more exciting than the news of Bernie’s indictment by German prosecutors is the return of the Austrian Grand Prix to the 2014 calendar.  I did not see that coming although probably should have done given the Machiavellian aura of Dietrich Mateschitz (the owner of Red Bull). So we will have a race at the A1-ring next year, a track that I absolutely adore although by then it will no doubt have been renamed the Red Bull Ring and Hermann Tilke will probably have squeezed all the fun and eccentric charm out of the circuit. A Sebastian Vettel win is so nailed on that there probably isn't any point in the others turning up. Given the new Russian Grand Prix and the possible New Jersey race (but really two USA races?!), we must surely be losing a couple of races. May I humbly suggest we eject the Korean GP into the dustbin of hideous race tracks never to see the light of day ever again along with one of Bahrain, India or Singapore.

Welcome back to the Austrian Grand Prix. We have missed you!

 And so to Round 10 of the F1 championship in Hungary. You never know what to expect at the Hungaroring other than the fact it is blisteringly hot. Its not a classic overtaking track partly because the track is so narrow and twisty and it is a zillion degrees out there. But it can throw up some superb strategic battles. This is the last race before F1 shuts down for the summer. Will it more or less seal Vettel’s title prospects (he has never won in Hungary so a win for the German there would be a huge psychological blow to his rivals) or will it open the door to give the other title protagonists a glimmer of hope at the half-way stage? I am looking forward to finding out and actually just watching a race again from start to finish.

So don’t let me down Hungary. Please.

British Grand Prix – The Race

 

For totally selfish reasons, a tiny little part of me was hoping for a deathly dull, processional British Grand Prix where Sebastian Vettel bored everyone into extinction and won by a country mile or three. But only because since the last race (was it Canada…it feels like a lifetime ago) my life has been properly bonkers.

I do not recommend moving house right slap bang in the middle of summer when for various other reasons (many of them lovely ones to be fair) our next free weekend appears to be in August. Throw into the mix the loose cannon of the 2 year old who isn’t very understanding of house moves or anything on the TV which isn’t Mr Tumble and well it doesn’t make for a serene blogging haven. Also ignoring all those reasons, I don’t recommend moving house generally. Still we’re very happy to be in the New House even if it has a baby garden (thanks to the 6 year old – yes he was 6 yesterday!!! – for that disarmingly honest description).

I missed all of qualifying so suffice to say I didn’t even realise or notice that Paul Di Resta was last on the grid. I missed all the build up. I even missed all of the must-watch #MartinsGridWalk (although according to Twitter, poor Martin had to attempt to interview such petrolhead luminaries as Carol Vorderman and Jamie Redknapp so in retrospect that was a good dodge) but unlike many other years, I did manage to watch the British Grand Prix and what a stonking race it was.

Here’s how it unfolded in Power Towers. Time For the Start and Go Go Go...!

Lewis Hamilton on pole made a brilliant start. In contrast, Mark Webber had a catastrophic start. Having qualified in P4, he was suddenly in 15^th place in a matter of seconds. It transpired that Grosjean had given him a little bump but nothing more untoward than a classic ‘start incident’. So the opening order was 1. Hamilton 2. Vettel (who took Rosberg at the start) 3. Rosberg 4. Sutil 5. Massa and 6. Kimi. After a disastrous qualifying performance, Alonso was making his way up from P9.

Then on lap 8, the race leader and GREAT BRITISH HOPE (not my words but the imagined hysterical, patriotic nonsense that the Daily Mail would no doubt be spouting), Lewis Hamilton, suffered a puncture and his left rear tyre spectacularly delaminated scattering scraps of rubber everywhere. To make matters worse, he was nowhere near the pits and had to pedal his car back slowly to whack on a new set of tyres. This meant that Vettel now led the race. Oh good *sarcastic face*.

 

And less than two laps later, there was more drama as Massa had a tyre delamination at almost exactly the same place as Lewis. And in an entirely unrelated coincidence at that very moment, Paul Hembery glanced down at his mobile phone to see an incoming call from Bernie.

So the order on lap 11 was 1. Vettel 2. Rosberg 3. Sutil 4. Kimi 5. Ricciardo 6. Perez. And the first round of pitstops were all kicking off.

Then on lap 15, just as Kimi was taking Grosjean (who had just received the helpful instruction of ‘remember Romain, Kimi is faster than you’….hmmmm team order much?) it was the turn of Jean-Eric Vergne to experience the headrush of a left rear tyre delamination while driving very, very, very fast. New underpants please for Jean-Eric and Kimi who got a face full of burning rubber flying past him at 200 miles an hour. Nice.

There was no other option but to bring out the safety car while all the team principals shat on Paul Hembery from a dizzy height the marshalls cleaned up the track. The camera panned across to Adrian Newey practically sobbing with his head in his hands. We then saw shots of Pirelli technicians literally running into their compound with bags of shredded tyre. Turned out that Adrian Newey had pulled himself together and was now conducting his own analysis. Newey conclusion: more pressure needed in the tyres. Probably a good idea just to go with the advice of the resident F1 genius than…er…the people who keep producing tyres that suddenly delaminate.

So on lap 22 the race restarted. And the order was (actually this may have been the order before the safety car but who knows!) 1. Vettel 2. Rosberg 3. Sutil 4. Alonso 5. Kimi and 6. Grosjean (and Lewis was 14^th). Vettel was advised by the team to avoid kerbs and high speed corners. It soon became very clear that he wasn’t going to avoid kerbs and high speed corners and nor was anyone else. Racing drivers will be racing drivers at the end of the day. They are hard-wired to find the shortest possible angles around a track and why should they be made to do anything different because the tyres are a collective crock of shite.

Lewis got a slapped wrist over the radio for over-using his pedals which apparently meant he was stopping the KERS from harvesting. The husband did explain it to me and actually it sounded quite a lot like the way I drive. Lets hear it for pedal fiends. Meanwhile Ricciardo was continuing to put himself verrrrrrrrrry nicely in the shop window by catching Grosjean for 6^th place.

Button languishing much further down was radio-ing through a litany of complaints to McLaren as well he might. They might want to rethink their new strapline of Believe in McLaren which surely some marketing executive dreamt up in a drunk moment. Webber had now manoeuvred his way up to 7^th having just passed Grosjean.

Meanwhile the weak chink in Mercedes’ armoury (ie. race pace – which I admit is a very big chink) was starting to take its toll. On lap 33, Hamilton was passed by Kimi, then Alonso and Webber. As the second round of pitstops got underway, Hamilton had a fantastic ‘Battle of the Brits’ scrap with Di Resta just after exiting from the pits. Di Resta gave everything he had in his locker to cling onto his track position (and oddly enough that gutsy cameo impressed me more than almost anything he has ever done) but ultimately and inevitably Hamilton managed to sweep past on lap 38.

In other feisty battles, Kimi and Webber were having a hard-fought tussle for 3^rd place and Sutil was taking no prisoners in keeping Ricciardo at bay.

The SUDDENLY, another moment of SENSATIONAL DRAMA. Vettel was SLOWING and was OUT OF THE BRITISH GRAND PRIX. A huge roar went up from the grandstand and I’ll be honest there were some huge cheers in Power Towers. Apparently it was gearbox failure. Adrian Newey will definitely be weeping buckets now. Because Vettel’s car conked out at the side of the track the safety car had another outing and racing resumed on lap 45. All of which meant that the Mercedes of Nico Rosberg was yet again leading a Grand Prix.

But guess what? We had ANOTHER TYRE DELAMINATION. This time for Perez who was forced to retire for the fairly terminal reason that his car had a giant hole in its left side. The one great side effect of the safety car late on was that it bunched all the cars up close and so we had some really insane racing in the final few laps.

Ricciardo was passed by Alonso and Hamilton. Then on lap 48, Webber overtook Kimi for P2. That’ll be a difficult post-race debrief at Lotus given Kimi asked ‘did we make the right choice not to pit?’ during the safety car period. My guess is no. Sometimes I think if Lotus had Ross Brawn as technical director, Kimi Raikkonen might be on his way to winning a 2^nd title. I note since Mercedes’ huge resurgence there are positive indications that Brawn may be extending his tenure there. Wise move dudes.

The race had now gone totally batsh*t mental and the cameras didn’t even know who to focus on. Even on the penultimate lap, there was a further mini-twist as Lewis Hamilton (he of the first delaminated tyre) passed Kimi for 4^th place.

Here are the results from the British Grand Prix 2013:

1. Rosberg – His second win for Mercedes of the year. All hail Nico.


2. Webber – Pretty much perfect day for Mark. A fantastic drive from the back of the field and his team-mate’s race (and almost certain win) implodes into the bargain.


3. Alonso – A typically masterful performance by Fernando who worked his magic to fashion a podium place from P10 in qualifying. If only he had a Schumacher-esque Ferrari.


4. Hamilton – An excellent comeback after the appalling misfortune in the opening laps.


5. Kimi – Should have been a podium. Your bad, Lotus.


6. Massa – See Hamilton, above.

Well that was one of the best British Grand Prix races in a long time. Dare I say it, perhaps the best race of the season so far. While the tyre delaminations are obviously extremely dangerous and unacceptable, the drama definitely injected some real excitement and unpredictability into the race.

The sport logistics for Sunday are slightly frightening. The German Grand Prix and the Wimbledon Mens Final (watching the semis as I frantically type) at more or less the same time and its going to be 25 degrees. Sounds pretty darn perfect to me.

Canadian GP - The Race

Guess who?

#MartinsGridWalk

As good a place as any to start. The one downside about having an evening race is that the build-up is slap bang in the middle of the Witching Hour when the kids are totally feral and the two year old has passed the Point of No Return. But the build-up will be sifted through at a later date for any glorious nuggets. The only bit I spotted from a distance was an interview with Christian Horner. Definitely, definitely not in the golden nugget category.

So over to Martin Brundle. Canada is an old school, super narrow grid. I love the way he sets the scene and gives the viewers at home a flavour of the atmosphere at each track. Whatever Sky pay him it probably isn't enough!

Jean-Eric Vergne wasn’t talking today. So Martin interviewed Michael Fassbender which was a far better outcome all round. Michael F is a fan of Vettel but thought Lewis was one to watch with his excellent record at Montreal. Anyone who says ‘this is the only sport’ is a supremely worthy Random Celebrity at a Race.

Michael Fassbender. We like.

Attempt two to speak to a driver in the unpredictable form of Adrian Sutil. He too was looking forward to the race and in clear conditions (we know…boo). Next up Nico Hulkenberg who was starting in P9 ahead of some ‘fast packages’. The Hulk also was looking forward to the race. No really? I would love a driver to say ‘you know what, I really hate driving here’. Is there any point interviewing drivers who are (understandably) going to chuck out a few soundbites just to get rid of Martin, Tanja & co before they focus on the important matter at hand of racing very fast for two hours.

Bernie was chatting to the Crown Prince of Bahrain. No doubt finessing the details (how many 0000s do you want, Mr Ecclestone?) of the appalling decision to make the Bahrain GP the first race of the 2014 season. The usual interview with Mark Webber mainly about the Isle of Man TT as it turned out. Focus Mark focus. Martin then asked Jackie Stewart if he thought his man could come through. Who is his man?! I was a tad confused given the many several thousand regenerations of Stewart GP and JYS's propensity to support Scottish drivers. Apparently it was Raikkonen. Fair do's.

JYS back in the Lotus days

Martin had a quick chat with Bottas’ engineer who is the purest example of a petrolhead (basically heavy metal cool-hand-luke rocker in overalls) you could ever imagine. Seems mildly affronted when Martin asked about there being a lot of pressure being up near the front. Martin said he meant for Bottas! Cool Hand Luke was having none of it. As they say that didn’t go very well.

I don’t normally comment on national anthems but its not every day you see a grand piano out on track. A bit surreal. Still beats the ear-drum shattering operatic murdering of a national anthem that you get at most tracks. I might start a campaign for Daft Punk to do the anthem at the British Grand Prix. Surely Bernie can make this happen – he can just buy Daft Punk or their record label. But no, we'll probably have Katherine Jenkins assaulting our senses and ears instead.

Campaign starts here for Daft Punk to do the anthem

Five red lights and its Go Go Go! Great start by Vettel but Poor Bottas (as he shall henceforth be known) dropped a couple of places almost instantly as Rosberg and Webber put the frighteners on him knowing he would definitely yield to avoid crashing out. Next in the queue to leapfrog Poor Bottas was Alonso. And all this before DRS was even enabled. Valtteri, welcome to Nico Rosberg’s world where qualifying is as good as it gets (Monaco aside!).

Lap 3 and Vettel already had a 3 second lead. Portents of doom all round.

Time for a barrage of replays of the start from a billion different cockpits and meanwhile Massa was moving up through the field from the back and Grosjean was spectacularly failing to do the same. From nowhere Sutil executed a perfect 180% spin and incredibly he didn’t take anyone out and no one hit him. And then we had a coming together between Maldonado and Di Resta. Bad Driver Maldonado was in the house. Hope Claire Williams was mainlining gin – this race wasn’t going according to the script for Williams. Again.

Claire Williams - will she be able to turn things around? I really hope so.

Kimi and Ricciardo were madly scrapping for 8^th. And then we heard that Kimi had a problem with his car which might be the same problem he had in China or the same problem he had in the previous race. Oh great. And Massa was now into the top ten. Go Felipe baby.

There was a frission of Huge Excitement as Vettel grazed the concrete wall. But alas in that teflon way he has, he was able to continue unscathed. Kimi finally got past Ricciardo and with Massa bearing hard down on him, the Toro Rosso did the sensible thing and pitted. Now Alonso was hunting down Webber and I’m sure Webber was going to strain every sinew in his body to ride shot-gun for his team-mate? Oh yeah that’s right. They hate each other.

On lap 14, the first round of pitstops all started with Webber, Perez, Rosberg and Poor Bottas (and in the case of Bottas simply just to stop being overtaken for 10 seconds!). Lewis Hamilton meanwhile was still out and was told to PUSH. This was, as the commentators advised in serious tones, A Critical Phase of the Race. Into the pits came our race leader, Vettel followed by Alonso. And Hamilton was STILL out burning rubber as if his life depended on it.

Hamilton - right strategy. Wrong car.

Poor Bottas was told to make his tyres last for 25 laps. Good luck with that. Poor old sod, he was slow enough already without being told to preserve his tyres. Finally Lewis pitted on lap 19 for a set of mediums and where did he emerge? Back out in second place some 10 seconds behind Vettel. I might have been getting the teensiest bit bored now and thank god at least for Felipe Massa who was scything through the field in the manner of Ayrton Senna. What they really should have done was to put a red button cam on Massa just so we could follow his race.

Kimi was well off the pace. Boo schmoo. He was told to do what he could to save fuel without losing performance. Like that’s an easy give. He pitted on lap 23 and there was a problem with the right rear. This race was proving to be a total freaking disaster for Kimi and manna from heaven for Vettel.

Coming soon. A Lotus Pitstop Disastometer.

Massa and Sutil were having the most amazing duel out there and Sutil was driving amazingly well to keep the much faster Ferrari behind him. Poor old Jenson Button (remember him?) was going very slowly. I mean more slowly than the admittedly clapped out tractor standards of the MP4-28. To put things into context, he was passed by Poor Bottas, a move which must have surprised them both.

Vettel Borefest Update: Seb was continuing to set a string of fastest laps.

There was an intriguing battle for 3^rd developing between Rosberg, Webber and Alonso. On Lap 31, Webber got past Rosberg with Alonso hot on his heels. Missing Monaco already, Nico? Most depressingly, Kimi was scrapping for 12^th with Poor Bottas. This was not what either of them wanted or hoped for. Still could be worse. They could have been Jenson Button.

And at the halfway point the top order was: 1. Vettel 2. Hamilton. 3. Webber 4. Alonso and 5. Rosberg.

I then [fast-forwarded] [drifted off] [watched paint dry] for a few laps until…we had an Incident. Joy of Joys! Van Der Garde shoved his car into Mark Webber just after being lapped trashing poor old Mark’s front wing into the process. This kind of thing never ever ever happens to Seb (remembers bitterly his mahoosive spin in Interlagos where he miraculously still went on to win the title). So onto the naughty step went Van Der Garde who got a 10 second stop/go penalty.

The official FIA symbol for the naughty step*
*this might not be true

The battle for 3^rd place was still raging on between Webber and Alonso. Finally on lap 42, Alonso passed Webber. Now if some freak thunderbolt (you used to be able to rely on Canada!) could only hit Vettel’s car it would be Game On in the championship. But no such freaking luck.

Grosjean pitted on lap 44 leaving Di Resta as the only non-stopper out on track. <Grits teeth> This was a very good drive by Paul. See there I did it!

Vettel Borefest Update: Seb was continuing to set a string of fastest laps while simultaneously reading the collected works of Nietzsche in the cockpit.

Every car should own one.

Overheard on the radio to Perez ‘Jenson is the car behind and we are racing Jenson’. Fasten your seatbelts dudes and dudettes, battle was commencing. Although in all fairness it was only between two McLarens. Hardly Senna and Prost territory. Poor Bottas was now 15^th – how utterly tragic for him and Williams. We then had the familiar sight of Van Der Garde with a damaged car limping around the track. And we had our first retirement of the race…on lap 48 which really said everything.

Vettel Borefest Update: He pitted again, enjoying a nice hog-roast before returning to lead the race.

What cars? I can't see any cars!

Lap 52 and Paul Di Resta STILL HADN’T PITTED. I bet the beleaguered Pirelli boss is loving this. You dissin’ my tyres? Are you? Are you? In my mind he has morphed a bit into Tony Soprano.

Paul Hembery - the head honcho at Pirelli having a good day at the office for once!

Vettel Borefest Update: He started doing some wild driving with jazz hands to make Christian Horner all panicked. Just for a laugh. Actually the wild driving really did happen.

Alonso was now doing fastest laps and the gap to Hamilton was down to 1.6 seconds with 14 laps to go. Its been said a million times but Alonso is a bloody phenomenal racing driver and the last driver on earth (Lewis pretty much said the same post-race) you would want breathing down your exhaust.

Paul Di Resta - the greatest advert for Pirelli!

And Di Resta finally pitted on lap 58. Wowsers.

Lewis’s engineers radioed him with some technical info (metrics blah something or other) to which Lewis said ‘just let me drive’. To be fair who needs to hear lots of boring data during a race that is boring enough already and you’ve got Fernando Alonso swarming all over the back of you. With eight laps to go, Lewis and Alonso almost touched wheels as Alonso put a sensational move to take 2^nd place.

Alonso closing in on Hamilton.

Next on the naughty step was Sutil who got a drive through for ignoring blue flags. Gutierrez also went out. There are no further details. On the final lap, Massa squeezed past Raikkonen to snatch 8^th place.

Really is that how you say 36 points in Latvian?

Vettel Borefest Update: He was amusing himself in the cockpit by trying out ‘36 point lead’ in a number of languages as he cruised to the finish line. Finally he won the Canadian Grand Prix by a crushing 15 seconds. Well that was a whole load of fun.

Here are the results from the Canadian Grand Prix 2013:

1. Vettel – Led from start to finish. I don’t know how that sentence could be any more harrowing. But a superb drive and he handled the moronic and unwarranted booing with great dignity on the podium.


2. Alonso – A superlative drive. Will those 18 points be pivotal? Lets bloody hope so.


3. Hamilton – Another fine podium for Hamilton and the Silver Arrows.


4. Webber – Not bad. Not amazingly good either.


5. Rosberg – Two Mercedes in the top six. Who’dya thunk it. Certainly not Michael Schumacher this time last year. Life is cruel.


6. Vergne – A fabulous result! Clearly the key is not speaking to Martin Brundle and staying focused. Only joking Martin.

Well that was a real blandathon of a race especially after talking up the unpredictable brilliance of Canada in hysterical fashion. Admittedly there were some stand-out drives – in addition to the above, Di Resta and Massa had superb races to finish 7^th and 8^th. See I did it again!

Next up the British Grand Prix!

And so onto the annual mudbath of the BRITISH GRAND PRIX. Fittingly, the first F1 race in our new house and miracle of miracles, we haven’t managed to double or triple book something for the same weekend unlike the past 75 British Grand Prix races. After a textbook Monaco race (ie. processional with a random bit of madness) and a lacklustre race in Canada, lets hope Silverstone rocks everyone’s world.